Words of wisdom from a 27-year-old

Thinking of smart things to tell you

What a difference 365 days makes! Since my last birthday, I've managed to move from Manhattan to Miami, land a new job, make new friends and most importantly --- get married. Needless to say, this year has been one amazing roller coaster, and at 27 I feel I have a much better understanding of the woman I want to be and about the things that matter most. I think it's when we're faced with changes and challenges that we're able to really learn about ourselves. So without further adieu, here are some bits of wisdom I want to share with y'all:

1. Things have a funny way of working themselves out. When I think about the situations that have caused me the greatest amount of anxiety, I find myself amazed by how said situations have often resolved themselves. In fact, sometimes the end result wound up being even better than the best case scenario I had envisioned. This isn't to say we shouldn't be doing everything we can to effect our circumstances --- we should --- it's just I think at a certain point we have to let the "higher powers" play their role too. Adopting this mentality helps me eliminate the stress, fear and anxiety associated with outcomes I can't fully control, and there's so much to be said for that.

2. Cooking isn't as intimidating as it seems. My mom is an excellent chef and made dinner for our family six out of seven nights a week. Consequently, I feared cooking because it seemed too darn hard and I thought I'd never measure up. But when I moved to Miami it became clear I couldn't have healthy meals delivered to my door with a click of a button the same way I could in NYC, and so in order to eat well I knew I would have to brave the kitchen. Thankfully my mother-in-law arranged some cooking classes for me and my sister-in-law, and within a couple months I gained the confidence to make a meal solo.

My advice for new chefs is to get the best ingredients you can find/afford and start with simple recipes like broiled salmon filets with olive oil and seasoning, or roasted chicken. I also find it helps to combine what I've learned from my classes with recipes from my favorites (Martha Stewart, Ina Garten) and advice gathered from friends and family. You really only learn cooking by doing it and you adjust recipes to suit your tastes as you go. But coming from the girl who a year ago didn't know how to turn on her oven (true story) and can now make a complete meal --- if I can do it, then you certainly can.

3. Our words are so powerful. We may not realize this, but what we say to others and ourselves has a huge impact. With just one simple compliment we can elevate someone's day, yet one nasty remark can really bring a person down. Of course it's bad to lie or be fake, but there's always something positive we can say to people around us --- particularly the ones we care about. Girls especially are known to be nasty to each other and while it subsides after high school, it never completely ends. With all the pressure we put on ourselves as women, it's exremely crucial we support and encourage one another. I recently had a girlfriend compliment my writing, while another told me I had beautiful eyes. Conversely, I've had girls say negative things about my career choices, as well as my nose, ears, weight and hair. While they shouldn't, these remarks change how we perceive ourselves, so choose your words wisely.

Similarly, we can say the ugliest things to ourselves and the more we say them --- the more we internalize them and they become our reality.  I read somewhere that we shouldn't tell ourselves anything we wouldn't say to our young daughter. I couldn't agree more. And with that, I leave you with a quote I came across on Instagram today (don't mock): If the words you spoke appeared on your skin, would you still be beautiful? Amen.

4. Figure out what makes you happy and do more of it. Write it down. I literally did this. Yup, you've gotta carve out time for such activities but it will be worth it.

5. Sometimes you gotta leave your man alone. When my husband's feeling down, tired, stressed etc. my initial instinct is to swoop in and try to solve the problem via talking about it. Men, however, don't always (hardly ever) feel like talking it out. That said, when I'm told "I don't wanna talk about it" or "nothing's wrong" when I know something clearly is --- I get upset. This can sometimes lead to a fight, mostly because I feel frustrated for not being able to remedy the situation. I like to fix things --- and fast! Yet slowly I'm learning not only can I not solve everything, but that I don't have to. Sometimes, the best thing I can do for my fellow is to let him be and give him some time to feel better on his own terms. Easy, right?

XOXO

Val

I'm married, so now what? Musings from a new wife

We did it! Our very intimate wedding in South Beach, Miami 

I've been married for almost one month now, and the question I've been getting the most is: so, what's married life like? While I've spent many moments in the shower trying to conjure up a smart, witty and wise answer, the best I've been able to come up with has been: it's, umm, the same. Why? Because it's pretty much the truth.

As much as I love that my nieces and nephew can officially refer to David as "uncle David," and that I officially have a mother-in-law and a sister-in-law, the underlying sense of family existed before the I do's. I find it equally amazing and entirely bizarre referring to David as my husband and telling people that yes, I'm a married woman. But when you put aside the new vocabulary that's suddenly at my disposable -- my life on a day-to-day basis has barely changed since the big day.

Had we not been living together for over a year before we wed my answer would likely be a lot different. For me, cohabitation is the real relationship game changer. That's when your love is tested by daily squabbles over the importance/non importance of coasters, or who has to take out the trash. And you have to juggle it all with life's inherent ups and downs. Me thinks that if at the end of the day you find yourself loving the other person even more -- that's when you know you're with someone truly special.

However, relationships, much like marriage are hard work. There's no part of me that thinks okay, I'm married, so now I can sit back and relax so to speak. Just because there's a ring on my finger doesn't mean I feel I've won the ultimate relationship prize. I'm beyond happy no doubt, but the ultimate prize for me will come when I can look at my husband in 50 years and smile knowing he's still the one. And that I know will take many, many years of commitment, compromise, trust and affection.

Not to sound cynical, but marriages, especially when there aren't children involved can dissapate almost as easily as serious relationships. So now that I'm a Mrs., I plan on working even harder to make my marriage successful. No, it's not because we signed a document and made vows and therefore are now more committed to each other. It's because my love and respect for my husband grows everyday, and because I want to have kids with him -- and dammit I want that 50th wedding anniversary.

xoxo

Val

Beauty on the brain Part II: my love hate relationship with makeup

The five makeup products I'm using this summer

My first experience with makeup was in the fifth grade when my best friend and I decided to smear the contents of her mother's bathroom drawers onto our faces. I was 11 years old and for some reason I thought mocha lipstick with brown lipliner and gobs of fuschia blush was a good look for me. I still recall being awestruck by how it took only a couple of products to make my features "pop," although I'm not quite sure I would've used that word back then. Needless to say, I was completely seduced.

I simply couldn't wait till the seventh grade when it would finally be "appropriate" to wear a little bit of makeup to school (mascara and blush), and my favorite part about the Bar-Mitzvah circuit was getting my face made-up by my older sister.

Since then, however, my relationship with makeup has gradually morphed into a love hate one. I love it for the same reason I hate it: I look better with it on. Here's the thing, while part of me thinks it makes perfect sense to take a couple moments everyday to make sure I look and feel my best, there's another part of me that resents that my best isn't me au naturel. How is it that makeup can boost my confidence by making me feel prettier, yet simultaneously make me insecure for needing it to feel prettier and confident?

On the one hand, I like the structure that putting on makeup lends my morning; it readies me for the day ahead. I've got my game face on so to speak. Conversely, since I'm virtually the slowest person ever, this ritual could potentially be taking me away from more important activities, like reading more news for instance, or working on this blog.

It frustrates me that I have allowed "society" and its so-called aesthetic standards to convince me that dark circles and blemishes must be masked, while eyelashes and cheekbones ought to be enhanced. Who decided this? I'd like a word with him or her. I'll admit it: I'm a total slave to the beauty industry, and yet I would be lying if I said I didn't get genuinly excited over a new lipstick purchase.

Okay, but what am I trying to articulate in this mumbo-jumbo of words you've just read (or scanned)? Truth be told, I'm not exactly sure, I simply have the urge to share my conflicting thoughts and frustrations on the topic of makeup. It's something that's been on my mind recently due to the proliferation of celebrities and models posting #nomakeup selfies on Instagram. They're supposed to make them seem more relatable, which should then make us feel better about ourselves, but I think these selfies end up doing just the opposite because the subjects still look so ridiculously amazing.

So what am I going to do about all these, umm, feelings? Well, I'm always trying to take care of my skin and get enough sleep so I can get away with the least amount of makeup. Lately that means some tinted moisturizer on my chin and cheeks, concealer, cream blush, mascara, and occasionally lipstick (I can't get enough of Nars' satin lip pencil in Yu). Some days I'll skip the tinted moisturizer and/or lipstick, but god help me I'm not giving up the under-eye concealer unless I'm at the gym or the beach. That's progress, no?

We get so used to seeing ourselves a certain way that changing things up -- especially when that means wearing barely any makeup -- is tough. But hey, I'm trying to take baby steps, so there's that. Bottom line: I think as long as you can still be comfortable sporting a bare face (i.e, no freaking out), then there's no harm in relying on makeup's confidence boosting abilities most days.

Do you share any of my conflicting thoughts re makeup? What's your opinion about celebrities and model posting #nomakeup selfies?

xoxo

Val

Long distance adult friendships: do they work?

Do kids make adult friendships, particularly the long distance kind much harder to maintain?

Do you ever stop and think about your friendships? More specifically, do you contemplate how the nature of your friendships has changed since you finished univeristy? Or, if most of your friendships are long distance like mine are, do you mull over what makes them work? My friends are always on my mind, but they have been more so than ever since I moved to Miami nearly nine months ago.

Maintaining friendships, namely the good, solid kind is never easy. However, things are significantly less complicated when the majority of your friends live in the same city as you and everyone's in school. The playing field is even, so to say. But it's when college ends that everything changes. People get jobs, they move away, relationships become more serious, and friendships as you once knew them --  are never quite the same again.

The fact that I haven't seen some of my closest friends for several months, or that sometimes a month can go by without a phone chat -- is still a bizarre concept for me to wrap my head around. Yet somehow it works.

How? For starters, three components should be in place for a thriving long distance adult friendship: 1) you have to really like each other, 2) you need a shared understanding that adult life is busy, and 3) there must be a mutual desire to maintain the relationship.

If the aforementioned criteria are satisfied, then it's up to you and each individual friend to redefine the friendship on your own terms. For instance, given the schedule of certain friends, we end up speaking only every few months and exchanging texts once in a while. Conversely, there are friends I'll Skype with once or twice per week. I find the relationship doesn't suffer in either case as long as both parties involved are happy with the "arrangement".

Unfortunately, between my move from Montreal to New York City, and then from Manhattan to Miami, some of my friendships have withered. Meanwhile, those that survived have inevitably had to change in one way or another. But change I'm learning can be good, and the more I move and grow older -- the more I treasure my friends.

My boyfriend thinks keeping a long distance friendship going only gets harder when kids enter the picture. He's probably right; kids make virtually everything harder. It's also true that once you have children they become the focal point of your life and you end up gaining a whole new circle of friends comprised of their classmates' parents. Hmm...

No one can predict the future, but the past suggests my long distance friendships will continue to endure changes down the road. That in mind, change, like I said before can be a positive thing. And didn't someone once say if there's a will -- and you really like your friend(s) -- there's a way?

xoxo

Val

Is mindfulness meditation (there's an app for it!) what's missing from our lives?

Think of a calm, happy place...

How do we reduce the amount of stress, worry and problems in our lives while improving our focus and relationships? A regular mindfulness practice through meditation, that's how. Or at least that's what actual meditators are saying, and science appears to be on their side (more on that in a bit).

But first, what is mindfulness meditation? It's a form of meditation where you sit still and tune into the present moment (you can use breathing techniques, music or voice guidance to help you along). The goal is then to allow your thoughts to come and go as they please without judging them, or trying to change them. It's said that by learning to become comfortable with ourselves exactly as we are, we gain wisdom and alleviate unnecessary suffering, pain and discomfort. The practice is far too complex for me to convey in a short blog post, so I encourage you to read this article in Psychology Today for a deeper understanding.

There have been a host of studies on the effects of meditation on the brain, and though I won't bore you with all of the results, I would like to highlight some findings:

*Neuroscientists have found that the brain physically changes when you continue to mediate.
*Mindfulness meditation activates the 'rest and digest' portion of our nervous system which helps with stress management.
*In people with clinical levels of anxiety, research found that 90 percent saw a reduction in their symptoms through meditation.
*Neuroscientists discovered it only takes 11 hours of meditation for practitioners to witness structural changes in the part of the brain that monitors focus and self control.

Pretty powerful stuff, right?

So naturally I could no longer resist the temptation to give this touted about cure-all a second try. But I knew I would need to ease into it slowly, for I think what initially turned me off meditation was the fact I was aiming to sit still for a whopping 30 minutes. I also knew I would need some help, which is where Headspace comes in.

Headspace is an application that bills itself as a personal trainer for your mind. To start, you get a series of 10 free 10 minute guided mediation sessions with a man whose accented voice is guaranteed to make you swoon -- and relax. You're supposed to do them consecutively, and then you can either repeat the 10 sessions, or purchase lengthier and/or more targeted mediation packages.

I'm currently doing my 10 initial sessions for a second time in a row, and I've already noticed an improvement in my sleep. I've also found myself slightly better able at quelling anxious thoughts. Headspace has lifted any pretentiousness associated with meditation, and has made having a daily practice easily accessible (as long as you have your phone, you can meditate). I plan on sticking with it and seeing if it really is the "solution". In any case, a less anxious me is a good start.

Do you meditate? How do you go about your practice? I'm curious to learn more so please share your thoughts with me.

xoxo

Val

The ex-factor: how much do we really need to know about our partner's romantic past?

Couples who nerd around together, stay together. 

In the early stages of dating, the ex conversation will inevitably come up. For some, it's a chance to get to know the other individual on a deeper level, while for others the experience is akin to ripping off a band-aid. In short, they want to know in as few words as possible if there are any restraining orders, divorces or deaths they have to be privy to. Spare the extra details please.

My boyfriend falls into the latter category, meaning my knowledge of his ex girlfriend can be summarized in one neat sentence. And I'm only talking about his most recent ex -- I literally have no intel on his love life prior to that point. Similarly, he never wanted to know anything beyond the bare essentials about my romantic history. 

Over the year and change we've been a couple (most of which has been spent living together) we've discussed our pasts plenty, but on this particular portion of our lives we've remained pretty mum. Certainly it's normal to cringe at the thought of your partner caring for and/or being intimate with someone else, however, is there something to be gained by knowing more than the minimal amount? Can it improve the health of a relationship? 

Honestly, I think there's no right answer. Besides, so much depends on the nature of ones previous relationships, as well as the current relationship dynamic. If it aren't broke, then why fix it, right? No, but seriously, I don't feel as though my lack of knowledge about my significant other's ex stands in the way of what we have created together, or that I don't know him well enough as a result. Perhaps it's one of those cases where a little ignorance is indeed blissful. 

Do you agree or disagree? What are your thoughts regarding how much information one should possess about their S.O.'s exes? How much do you like to share?  

xoxo

Val 

Home sweet home? Pondering life in NYC versus Miami

The famed Russ & Daughters now has a cafe. The latkes and lox are to die for.

If you recall, not too long ago I wrote a post declaring my unwavering love for New York City. At the time, I had been living in Miami for around six months, and I couldn't wait to return to Manhattan for the summer. Yes, I missed the city.

During the two years I spent living in NYC, I thought the city could do no wrong. It was perfect. Smells? What smells? Overcrowded? Nah, it's energetic! I was so happy to finally be immersed in the fashion industry and living in my dream city that I only saw the positives.

Come to think of it, I had exactly the right attitude, but unfortunately I didn't bring that attitude along with me when I moved to Miami. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to be there, but I spent my first month or so thinking about all the ways Miami wasn't Manhattan rather than embracing its differences. While I adapted quickly to the idyllic "winter" climate and the beautiful beaches, I resisted having to drive everywhere and quickly became overwhelmed by the task of setting up a new apartment and routine.

Transitions and changes have always been challenging for me, and leaving a comfortable NYC lifestyle I had worked so hard to create was tough. At 26 years-old, I know myself well enough to understand I require routine in order to feel peaceful and happy.

In any case, it wasn't long before I got myself on a schedule in Miami and grew to truly appreciate the luxuries of living down south. Funny how humans adapt to new situations, isn't it? My regret is that I didn't let myself enjoy the new chapter in my life from the get go and that I didn't have the right mindset initially. You live you learn, right?

As I write this, it's been a little over three weeks since my boyfriend and I have been living across from Bryant Park in Manhattan. And guess what? Yup, I miss Miami. During my first week, I couldn't stop talking about all the ways New York City didn't measure up to the Magic City. Now, for the first time in my life I actually get it when people say they wouldn't want to live in the Big Apple, whereas before I just assumed there had to be something a little off about them.

What do you mean I have to walk in the sweltering heat with my groceries? Why are sweaty people bumping into me? Where's my air conditioned car? My ocean view? Funny how humans repeat the same mistakes over and over again, isn't it?

Well, maybe I've learned a little something because I was able to catch myself before I got too far down my path of comparisons and homesickness. This time it was also clear what I needed to do: I had to create a new NYC routine to help me enjoy all that this unique and wonderful city has to offer. 

So, slowly that's what I'm attempting to do. Meanwhile, the experience of leaving Manhattan for Miami, only to return half a year later has taught me that nowhere I live is going to be 100 percent perfect. Some places might be better than others, sure, but if you have the right people around you and the will to succeed wherever you are -- anywhere can feel like home.

xoxo

Val 

The case for leaning back: hey, it's OK too

Because girl power means supporting each other's choices. 

A huge part of being a writer is reading. A lot. That said, whenever I come across material that resonates with me and which I’d like to add to, I can’t help but share it on my blog. Today’s post draws upon an article by, of all people, actress Zosia Mamet (aka Shoshana on HBO's Girls).

In her Glamour magazine piece called “No, I Won’t Lean In, Thanks,” Mamet wonders whether our success obsessed culture is alienating women who don’t wish to “go for the f-king gold.” She poignantly writes, “you can’t just jog; you have to run a triathlon. Having a cup of coffee, reading the paper, and heading to work isn’t enough – that’s settling, that’s giving in, that’s letting them win.”

Mamet’s point is that women have to define success based on what makes them happy, minus the external pressures. The ultimate hope is that women will be supportive of each other’s choices rather than being judgmental of anyone they perceive to be so-called “settling.”

For instance, Mamet gives the example of how if she were to open a small coffee shop, it’s likely her female friends wouldn’t consider her a success if it didn’t go on to reach the scale of Magnolia Bakery. But what they might not realize is that she purposefully wants to keep it small so as to enjoy a quiet and simple life, and so she can be more hands on.

I remember at one point during journalism school I was interning at a prestigious fashion magazine and my dad told me that despite being at the bottom now, I would go on to be the next Anna Wintour. While I liked the encouragement, I felt a pang in my stomach as I wondered whether there was something wrong with me because I knew at 22 I absolutely didn’t want to be at the helm of a major publication.

Did I lack ambition? Did I not have sufficient confidence in my abilities? I weighed the possibilities, but the reality was I wanted the kind of journalism job where I would still have ample time for my family and myself. I wasn’t in a relationship at the time, but even then I knew that to be happy, my personal life would always have to come before my career.

That’s why when my boyfriend made a strong case for me to leave New York and move to Miami, I knew I had to at least give it a try. Soon after relocating, I found a great gig as a food writer for a popular local newspaper, but it ended when it turned out the company was unable to sponsor me for a work visa.

Right now, I’m unemployed as I wait to hear whether I’ll get a work visa as a technical writer at a company that sells chemicals. It’s by no means my dream job. Far from it. However, I took it because time was running out on my stay in the US, and because I’ve made the choice to put my personal relationship first. 

Though there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that it was the right decision given the circumstances, I was terribly anxious about what my friends would think when I told them about my on hold career plans. In a time of leaning in, I was leaning far back, and I feared how I’d be perceived.

Well, I now officially know I have the greatest friends in the world because they were nothing but supportive when I told them. I think on some level everyone understands that you can’t have it all, and more importantly: that happiness means different things to different people. To my dear friends: thank you, and to all the women out there: please support each other.

xoxo

Val

The weight game: why the non-diet diet works (for me at least)

You're not the boss of me chunky monkey dessert at Pubbelly. 

Every once in a while I read something that perfectly encapsulates my own experience. Most recently it was a New York Magazine article by Melissa Dahl called, "A Non-Diet Diet: The Case for Eating Whatever You Want."

The gist of the piece is that evidence is increasingly showing that elimination based diets yield only short term results, and that eating what you want when you want it is the key to reaching your ideal weight. The official term for this approach is intuitive eating, and it's rooted in the notion that our body inherently knows what it needs. The trick is knowing how to listen to it. 

This means the following: 1) eating slowly and taking time to evaluate how full you feel. 2) Avoiding eating for any reason other than physical hunger, i.e., sadness, stress, boredom, happiness etc.  And my favorite, 3) allowing yourself to eat anything you desire.

Peoples' initial response to such an approach is fear they'll end up eating junk food all the time, but the reality is quite the opposite. The idea behind intuitive eating is that because you're paying attention to how food makes you feel, you simply won't want to eat crap all the time. Furthermore, since there's no such thing as forbidden food, you won't be drawn to it in the same way.

If you recall, in late 2012 I wrote about how for the first time in my life I had taken to emotional eating (boredom at work mostly), and no matter what I tried I couldn't lose the weight and fit into my pants. The post was my way of admitting my behaviour to myself and resolving to be more conscious.

The problem was that despite getting better at eating only when I was hungry,  I had taken to cutting out a lot of foods from my diet. Suddenly, all I could think about was dessert and pasta. It followed that every time I let myself indulge in such "treats," I never felt satisfied and kept wanting to have more. Dahl's article cites research that shows when parents implement very strict eating rules, their kids eat more of off-limit snacks when they're able to get ahold of them.

In any case, my weight didn't go down and I hated thinking about what I was and wasn't eating so much.  Then came my second post on the subject, where I declared I was just going to accept my body as it is and I was no longer going to think about losing the weight. It's a tough concept to fully grasp, but what we think and tell ourselves becomes our reality.

It followed that right around this time I met my now boyfriend, and I was so happy and preoccupied with other thoughts that not thinking about my weight was surprisingly simple. We were also dining out ALL the time, and hell no was I going to turn down a little dessert!

And then just like that -- without thinking about it -- I lost the weight. And I haven't put it back on. I also workout less. It's fascinating to me that by not denying myself of dessert and the like, I actually want it less, and I'm satisfied after just a few bites. Weird as it might sound, intuitive eating worked (and works) for me, and who would've thought it could be so easy.

Disclosure: I'm not by any means an expert on this subject matter, I'm simply discussing an article that resonated with me and my own experience. By sharing this with you my only hope is that it might be helpful in some way.

xoxo

Val 

Fighting the good fight: or how I'm trying to get it right

"Don't get mad -- get everything" - Ivanna Trump, The First Wives Club 

Countless articles and books have been published on the subject of how to fight "well," i.e., productively in a relationship. I've read all of them. Ok fine, I've read A LOT of them, and yet I still fight like a little girl. If it was socially acceptable, I'd stomp my feet, shake my fists and scream: "me," "me," "me" while turning a deep shade of crimson.

Rarely do I even bother trying to look at the situation from my boyfriend's perspective. No, I get so blindsided by my emotions (anger, fear, sadness, jealousy etc), that my ability to think rationally vanishes. I try to express my feelings to my SO, yet I'm unable to string together coherent thoughts because naturally, I'm sobbing profusely. My one and only goal becomes to convey my current emotional state; I might as well be shouting: me," "me," "me".

When one fights this way, the other person reacts not with sincere apologies and affectionate embraces (the preferred, yet unrealistic response) but rather with a line of defence. That's because it's in many peoples' natures to respond to such an attack with a similar tone of aggression, and to argue their point. Of course, such a reaction infuriates me further and causes me to go on the defensive. And so the circle of fighting continues until both parties are too exhausted to carry on arguing.

At the end, the issue isn't resolved, everyone's upset, and I feel disgusted, embarrased and sad about how I handled the situation. Suddenly, the fight's aftermath is exceedingly worse than the very thing that was being fought over. Wonderful.

I don't start fights often, it's just not my thing, but fighting is an inevitable part of any healthy relationship. That said, I knew I needed to change my approach, and so rather than buy a book or read an article, I turned to my parents for advice. They're incredibly wise and have been happily married for nearly forty years, so I assumed they'd have some thoughts on the topic.

Almost immediately, good ol' dad said my main problem was making a trajedy out of every disappointment, disagreement and issue that bothered me. It wasn't until he said it that it occurred to me I was indeed blowing everything WAY out of proportion. Somehow,  I was convincing myself that a matter that could easily be resolved with good communication and effort was actually going to lead to the end of my relationship -- and to the end of the world. Clearly, I can be quite dramatic.

The thing I've learned is most relationship problems can be solved provided both players are willing to do the leg work. However, the same cannot be said if one person (hello) is trying to express themselves via freaking out and lashing out at the other without giving any thought to the big picture or their SO's point of view. No one likes to feel attacked, and individuals respond way better to calm people rather than hysterical ones (pleased to meet you).

After my epiphany of sorts, I've resolved to think things through and stay calm before and during a fight. I'm trying to reserve going into tragedy mode for actual tragedies (read: sickness, death, danger etc.). I will not, as ABBA so aptly put it,  "go wasting my emotion(s)," on that which is in my power to solve. Now can I get an amen?

Beauty on the brain part 1: a 20-something ponders wrinkles

Kiehl's Super Fluid UV Defense SPF 50+ is light and doesn't give me breakouts. 

I'm well aware I'm only 26-years-old, but lately I've managed to add something to my compendium of fears: aging. More specifically -- and superficially, I'm referring to the aesthetic aspects associated with getting older, i.e., wrinkles, dark spots, sagging, etc.

Ever since moving to Miami, the harmful effects of getting too much sun exposure has been on my mind like never before. Just recently I read an article on Refinery 29, where Dr. Craig Kraffert, a board certified dermatologist said, "sun exposure is the main cause of aging of the skin -- it isn't age."

In a way this is reassuring, because if you're 20-something you have most of the tools at your disposal  to ward off visible signs of aging: wearing broad spectrum SPF daily and limiting time spent in the sun. Easy, right? Incidentally, however, the more I load up on the block, the more it makes me think about the very thing I'm trying to prevent. Next thing I know I'm buying a dark spot diminishing serum and checking for wrinkles.

What's more, it doesn't help that Miami, more so than Montreal or Manhattan it seems, is a youth obsessed city. I don't have statistics to back this up, but I would dare to say that after tourism, plastic surgery is the second largest industry here. And whereas in NYC women generally gravitate towards more "natural" looking cosmetic procedures -- in Miami I've seen some faces that couldn't possibly exist in nature. I'm not talking about Botox here, but the real McCoy my friends.

If anything, seeing some of these frightening ladies -- and gents -- turns me completely off plastic surgery, but the mere fact they felt the need to do this to themselves makes me utterly horrified re aging. It didn't help that when I pointed out some exaggerated examples of cosmetic work to my boyfriend, his response was: "maybe they look better like this than if they didn't do anything."

I don't know, but I believe that a wrinkly face still looks better, not to mention more elegant than one that bears a permanent expression of shock and that's so obviously been nipped and tucked every which way. Reminding myself of this comforts me to a degree. So does thinking about women who look beautiful because they're embracing aging naturally and are living life to the fullest.

No one is a more fitting example than my own mother. Her approach to beauty and aging has always been less is more, and her minimalist grooming routine never ceases to impress me. I pray I got her good genetics, and more importantly -- her positive attitude. In the meantime, I'm slathering on the SPF and focusing on not thinking about the "A" word.

Words of wisdom from a 26-year-old

Doling out wisdom from my high horse 

Twenty-six. I'm officially closer to 30 than I am to 20, but you know what? I'm A-ok with that. Why you ask? Well firstly, I eat a lot of "superfoods," so really, I'm actually getting younger by the day, perhaps even by the minute. Secondly, 25 was better than 24, therefore basic math dictates 26 has to eclipse 25, right? Right? And last but certainly not least, with each year that goes by, I continue to amass more wisdom, meaning it's only a matter of time before I'll reach Dalai Lama status, and what more could one want out of life than that?

Though I am not quite on the level as His Holiness, yet, I love using my birthday as an excuse to get on my high-horse share some of the knowledge and insights I've gleaned over the past year. So now, without further ado, here are some words of wisdom from a 26-year-old (FYI: that's me!).

"Ask not what your country can do for you -- ask what you can do for your country." In case you're wondering, the answer is no, I did not come up with this quote, it's actually from J.F.K's inaugural address. Basically, over the last year, with the help of inten-sati classes (the affirmation shouting mind- body workout), I've realized how often I play the victim card. I'm constantly getting upset over something someone did or didn't do, said or didn't say, and I get so wrapped up in placing blame on others that I forget to stop and think about what I can do to affect the situation.

This can mean a seemingly trivial gesture as smiling at the rude coffee shop cashier, or something bigger like calling up your best friend to see how she's doing instead of fretting over why she hasn't bothered to ring you. Since we can only truly control ourselves, why not make like Gandhi, and "be the change [we] wish to see in the world." Trust me, you'll never feel badly about doing something good for others. 

The grass is always greener on the other side, and the sooner we can accept that, and move forward, the better off we'll be. When I was working full-time, all I could think about was how I have no time to get anything done and how annoying it was to have each day follow a similar pattern. But sure enough, as soon as my contract was up, I found myself missing my routine and wondering how I would fill up my days. Sound familiar? 

For many of us, having the grass-is-always-greener syndrome is a normal facet of life, and I've come to understand there's no need to feel guilty about it. Once I accepted there's nothing wrong with missing the very things I was complaining about, I was able to focus on my present situation and think about what would suit me the best going forward. At the end of the day, there's always one patch of grass that's just a little more green than the other. 

Coconut oil works wonders on dry, damaged hair, and Argan oil makes your skin glow. As much as I love my ombré hair, after coloring it for the third time, my ends were seriously fried. Desperate, I decided to do a coconut oil hair mask which has been all the rage since Miranda Kerr admitted to being a fan. The result: aside from making my hair smell delicious, it totally salvaged my damaged locks, now if only I can stick to doing it regularly.  

The key is to buy extra virgin organic coconut oil, and to put about 1/2 a tablespoon's worth on your ends (preferably on dry hair), then tie your hair back and cover with a shower cap and a warm towel. Leave it in for 20-30 minutes and make sure to wash your hair very thoroughly afterwards. Do this treatment once a week to once a month depending on how dry your strands are. 

Living Foods Extra Virgin Coconut Oil is amazing for dry, damaged hair

A little Argan oil (I like Josie Maran's Organic Argan Oil), goes a long way. I've started applying a couple of drops to my face each night before moisturizing, and I swear the next day my skin has this dewy glow. I also like to rub a little on my split ends and cuticles, though I can't say I've seen results just yet. 

If you're not excited to go on a second date with someone, don't bother going. I think that one speaks for itself. 

Fear is the enemy. Every day, the toughest challenge for me is overcoming my fears. Apart from being terrified of pigeons and falling flat on my face down a flight of stairs, I fear failure, change, of offending someone, and a host of other things. My knee-jerk reaction in most circumstances is to say "I can't", or "I'm afraid," or "what if." 

Being in a relationship with someone I love is amazing, but sometimes I get so overwhelmed by my fears of things going wrong that I turn into the pathetic version of myself I so deeply despise. The thing is, fear is not the path to personal or professional happiness -- quite the opposite. For me, it all boils down to catching myself when I'm about to act out of fear and reminding myself that nothing good can ever come of it. It's about changing my inner dialogue from "I can't" to "I will" and focusing on the present. Easier said than done, but I be tryin'. 

Surround yourself with people who support you and inspire you to be better. You know that friend who is always a Negative Nancy and is constantly trying to bring others along for her miserable ride? Yeah, you should try to see her as little as possible because you've got bigger things to do, namely focusing on how you can be the best version of yourself. 

Ditch the dating rules and listen to your gut. It didn't take me too long to arrive at the conclusion that following some arbitrary dating rules was futile, but sadly it didn't mean I stopped second guessing myself entirely and wondering whether I was doing the "right " thing. 

For instance, after going on an incredible first date, the guy asked me to come out with him and his friends the next night. Worried I might come across as too available, I wasn't sure if I should go. When I asked a trusted advisor, his answer was: "Val, it's your life, not a game of chess; do what you want." The bottom line was I wanted to go, and so I did. Five months later, we're still together and I couldn't be happier. So there you have it. 

The perception principle: why our thoughts are so powerful

The following is a true story that happened to an older friend of mine. One day, a woman, let's call her V, walks into a grocery store only to spot none other than her ex-husband's former mistress, M. Their eyes meet, and as V begins walking in M's direction, M naturally starts to make a beeline for the nearest exit. With speed on her side, V catches up to M, but rather than attempting any sort of verbal or physical abuse, V proceeds to hug M, and, get this -- thanks her. More specifically, V thanks M for being the catalyst that ended a miserable marriage, and consequently enabled her to go on to realize her full potential and find a meaningful and healthy relationship. To say M was flabbergasted would be an understatement.

Undoubtedly, M caused V a lot of pain and sadness, but V made a conscious choice to focus on the positive role M played in her life. Forget about taking the high-road and all that other virtuous stuff, changing her perception of the situation was a way for V to let go of her anger and hate --- sentiments that would weigh anyone down. With that, she was able to move on and cause a positive change in her life.

I had heard this story a while ago, but was only able to fully register its significance when I was bedridden for a few days last week due to terrible back pain, that in all likelihood was triggered by stress. See, I didn't get a job I so desperately wanted, and while there's hope another position will open up soon, I was profoundly disappointed.

In the midst of my self-pity party, it dawned on me that I could change how I was feeling simply by altering my perception of my circumstances. As soon as I started to believe things didn't pan out at this time, not because I suck, but because there's a better opportunity for me on the horizon, my back pain subsided (I kid you not). Rejection still blows, but I'm so much more effective at searching for a job when I don't associate the process with failure, but rather as a necessary means to a (hopefully) better end. And who knows, maybe in the meantime I'll have a eureka moment, and I'll invent an app or something.

What a eureka moment would look like. Hair Color by Nuda; makeup Annie Young Cosmetiques.  

Getting your b*tch on: aka learning to speak up

Life lessons from my four year-old niece who isn't afraid to express her mind

It's a terrible feeling: coming up with the perfect comeback line, but only after the fact. At that point, I convince myself the moment has passed, and so, I let the situation go entirely. You see, I've spent my life avoiding conflict and confrontation like the plague, yet now, at 25 years-young, I'm starting to question whether my laissez-faire mentality has been doing me a disservice. Resentment, I'm learning, isn't a pretty thing.

But how do you suddenly go from being someone who doesn't speak up when someone says or does something hurtful, or even just plain bothersome, to being the gal who does? Not to over-dramatize, but it's almost as if part of my identity is tied to my let-it-slide persona. I fear changing my approach would result in diminished success in both my career and personal life, and that I'd find myself in a worse predicament than if I had said nothing.

Or maybe, just maybe, if I stood up for myself, not only would I no longer harbor these feelings of resentment (they seriously do eat away at you), but people would respect me more and stop thinking they could take advantage of my niceness. As much as I love having nice and a great friend attached to my name, being labeled a pushover is decidedly unappealing. For better or for worse, the world can be a cruel place, especially when you're trying to build a career in a city like New York. What's more, I've realized there's a big difference between being nice and being a pushover, and I don't want to enter the second quarter of my life as the latter.

So how do I start? I know I'll have to take baby steps. If a friend says something hurtful, I'll have to call him or her out on it right then and there, rather than ignoring it and going home to weigh the consequences of addressing the problem versus not. This doesn't have to entail saying something bitchy, but rather just stating how I feel at that particular moment. I'm a believer in reacting appropriately given the situation, and hopefully most of the time a calmly worded remark will suffice.

I'm definitely scared peoples' perception of me will change, but at the end of the day, you have to be at peace with yourself and do what's right for you -- others be damned (to an extent). After all, I see my friends and people around me speaking up all the time, and while sometimes a fight or small argument ensues -- it's rare they stop being friends altogether. In fact, sometimes the relationship is only strengthened. Strengthened relationships and less or no resentment? Now that's definitely worth a shot.