Getting your b*tch on: aka learning to speak up

Life lessons from my four year-old niece who isn't afraid to express her mind

It's a terrible feeling: coming up with the perfect comeback line, but only after the fact. At that point, I convince myself the moment has passed, and so, I let the situation go entirely. You see, I've spent my life avoiding conflict and confrontation like the plague, yet now, at 25 years-young, I'm starting to question whether my laissez-faire mentality has been doing me a disservice. Resentment, I'm learning, isn't a pretty thing.

But how do you suddenly go from being someone who doesn't speak up when someone says or does something hurtful, or even just plain bothersome, to being the gal who does? Not to over-dramatize, but it's almost as if part of my identity is tied to my let-it-slide persona. I fear changing my approach would result in diminished success in both my career and personal life, and that I'd find myself in a worse predicament than if I had said nothing.

Or maybe, just maybe, if I stood up for myself, not only would I no longer harbor these feelings of resentment (they seriously do eat away at you), but people would respect me more and stop thinking they could take advantage of my niceness. As much as I love having nice and a great friend attached to my name, being labeled a pushover is decidedly unappealing. For better or for worse, the world can be a cruel place, especially when you're trying to build a career in a city like New York. What's more, I've realized there's a big difference between being nice and being a pushover, and I don't want to enter the second quarter of my life as the latter.

So how do I start? I know I'll have to take baby steps. If a friend says something hurtful, I'll have to call him or her out on it right then and there, rather than ignoring it and going home to weigh the consequences of addressing the problem versus not. This doesn't have to entail saying something bitchy, but rather just stating how I feel at that particular moment. I'm a believer in reacting appropriately given the situation, and hopefully most of the time a calmly worded remark will suffice.

I'm definitely scared peoples' perception of me will change, but at the end of the day, you have to be at peace with yourself and do what's right for you -- others be damned (to an extent). After all, I see my friends and people around me speaking up all the time, and while sometimes a fight or small argument ensues -- it's rare they stop being friends altogether. In fact, sometimes the relationship is only strengthened. Strengthened relationships and less or no resentment? Now that's definitely worth a shot.