I'm married, so now what? Musings from a new wife

We did it! Our very intimate wedding in South Beach, Miami 

I've been married for almost one month now, and the question I've been getting the most is: so, what's married life like? While I've spent many moments in the shower trying to conjure up a smart, witty and wise answer, the best I've been able to come up with has been: it's, umm, the same. Why? Because it's pretty much the truth.

As much as I love that my nieces and nephew can officially refer to David as "uncle David," and that I officially have a mother-in-law and a sister-in-law, the underlying sense of family existed before the I do's. I find it equally amazing and entirely bizarre referring to David as my husband and telling people that yes, I'm a married woman. But when you put aside the new vocabulary that's suddenly at my disposable -- my life on a day-to-day basis has barely changed since the big day.

Had we not been living together for over a year before we wed my answer would likely be a lot different. For me, cohabitation is the real relationship game changer. That's when your love is tested by daily squabbles over the importance/non importance of coasters, or who has to take out the trash. And you have to juggle it all with life's inherent ups and downs. Me thinks that if at the end of the day you find yourself loving the other person even more -- that's when you know you're with someone truly special.

However, relationships, much like marriage are hard work. There's no part of me that thinks okay, I'm married, so now I can sit back and relax so to speak. Just because there's a ring on my finger doesn't mean I feel I've won the ultimate relationship prize. I'm beyond happy no doubt, but the ultimate prize for me will come when I can look at my husband in 50 years and smile knowing he's still the one. And that I know will take many, many years of commitment, compromise, trust and affection.

Not to sound cynical, but marriages, especially when there aren't children involved can dissapate almost as easily as serious relationships. So now that I'm a Mrs., I plan on working even harder to make my marriage successful. No, it's not because we signed a document and made vows and therefore are now more committed to each other. It's because my love and respect for my husband grows everyday, and because I want to have kids with him -- and dammit I want that 50th wedding anniversary.

xoxo

Val

The ex-factor: how much do we really need to know about our partner's romantic past?

Couples who nerd around together, stay together. 

In the early stages of dating, the ex conversation will inevitably come up. For some, it's a chance to get to know the other individual on a deeper level, while for others the experience is akin to ripping off a band-aid. In short, they want to know in as few words as possible if there are any restraining orders, divorces or deaths they have to be privy to. Spare the extra details please.

My boyfriend falls into the latter category, meaning my knowledge of his ex girlfriend can be summarized in one neat sentence. And I'm only talking about his most recent ex -- I literally have no intel on his love life prior to that point. Similarly, he never wanted to know anything beyond the bare essentials about my romantic history. 

Over the year and change we've been a couple (most of which has been spent living together) we've discussed our pasts plenty, but on this particular portion of our lives we've remained pretty mum. Certainly it's normal to cringe at the thought of your partner caring for and/or being intimate with someone else, however, is there something to be gained by knowing more than the minimal amount? Can it improve the health of a relationship? 

Honestly, I think there's no right answer. Besides, so much depends on the nature of ones previous relationships, as well as the current relationship dynamic. If it aren't broke, then why fix it, right? No, but seriously, I don't feel as though my lack of knowledge about my significant other's ex stands in the way of what we have created together, or that I don't know him well enough as a result. Perhaps it's one of those cases where a little ignorance is indeed blissful. 

Do you agree or disagree? What are your thoughts regarding how much information one should possess about their S.O.'s exes? How much do you like to share?  

xoxo

Val 

Fighting the good fight: or how I'm trying to get it right

"Don't get mad -- get everything" - Ivanna Trump, The First Wives Club 

Countless articles and books have been published on the subject of how to fight "well," i.e., productively in a relationship. I've read all of them. Ok fine, I've read A LOT of them, and yet I still fight like a little girl. If it was socially acceptable, I'd stomp my feet, shake my fists and scream: "me," "me," "me" while turning a deep shade of crimson.

Rarely do I even bother trying to look at the situation from my boyfriend's perspective. No, I get so blindsided by my emotions (anger, fear, sadness, jealousy etc), that my ability to think rationally vanishes. I try to express my feelings to my SO, yet I'm unable to string together coherent thoughts because naturally, I'm sobbing profusely. My one and only goal becomes to convey my current emotional state; I might as well be shouting: me," "me," "me".

When one fights this way, the other person reacts not with sincere apologies and affectionate embraces (the preferred, yet unrealistic response) but rather with a line of defence. That's because it's in many peoples' natures to respond to such an attack with a similar tone of aggression, and to argue their point. Of course, such a reaction infuriates me further and causes me to go on the defensive. And so the circle of fighting continues until both parties are too exhausted to carry on arguing.

At the end, the issue isn't resolved, everyone's upset, and I feel disgusted, embarrased and sad about how I handled the situation. Suddenly, the fight's aftermath is exceedingly worse than the very thing that was being fought over. Wonderful.

I don't start fights often, it's just not my thing, but fighting is an inevitable part of any healthy relationship. That said, I knew I needed to change my approach, and so rather than buy a book or read an article, I turned to my parents for advice. They're incredibly wise and have been happily married for nearly forty years, so I assumed they'd have some thoughts on the topic.

Almost immediately, good ol' dad said my main problem was making a trajedy out of every disappointment, disagreement and issue that bothered me. It wasn't until he said it that it occurred to me I was indeed blowing everything WAY out of proportion. Somehow,  I was convincing myself that a matter that could easily be resolved with good communication and effort was actually going to lead to the end of my relationship -- and to the end of the world. Clearly, I can be quite dramatic.

The thing I've learned is most relationship problems can be solved provided both players are willing to do the leg work. However, the same cannot be said if one person (hello) is trying to express themselves via freaking out and lashing out at the other without giving any thought to the big picture or their SO's point of view. No one likes to feel attacked, and individuals respond way better to calm people rather than hysterical ones (pleased to meet you).

After my epiphany of sorts, I've resolved to think things through and stay calm before and during a fight. I'm trying to reserve going into tragedy mode for actual tragedies (read: sickness, death, danger etc.). I will not, as ABBA so aptly put it,  "go wasting my emotion(s)," on that which is in my power to solve. Now can I get an amen?

Words of wisdom from a 26-year-old

Doling out wisdom from my high horse 

Twenty-six. I'm officially closer to 30 than I am to 20, but you know what? I'm A-ok with that. Why you ask? Well firstly, I eat a lot of "superfoods," so really, I'm actually getting younger by the day, perhaps even by the minute. Secondly, 25 was better than 24, therefore basic math dictates 26 has to eclipse 25, right? Right? And last but certainly not least, with each year that goes by, I continue to amass more wisdom, meaning it's only a matter of time before I'll reach Dalai Lama status, and what more could one want out of life than that?

Though I am not quite on the level as His Holiness, yet, I love using my birthday as an excuse to get on my high-horse share some of the knowledge and insights I've gleaned over the past year. So now, without further ado, here are some words of wisdom from a 26-year-old (FYI: that's me!).

"Ask not what your country can do for you -- ask what you can do for your country." In case you're wondering, the answer is no, I did not come up with this quote, it's actually from J.F.K's inaugural address. Basically, over the last year, with the help of inten-sati classes (the affirmation shouting mind- body workout), I've realized how often I play the victim card. I'm constantly getting upset over something someone did or didn't do, said or didn't say, and I get so wrapped up in placing blame on others that I forget to stop and think about what I can do to affect the situation.

This can mean a seemingly trivial gesture as smiling at the rude coffee shop cashier, or something bigger like calling up your best friend to see how she's doing instead of fretting over why she hasn't bothered to ring you. Since we can only truly control ourselves, why not make like Gandhi, and "be the change [we] wish to see in the world." Trust me, you'll never feel badly about doing something good for others. 

The grass is always greener on the other side, and the sooner we can accept that, and move forward, the better off we'll be. When I was working full-time, all I could think about was how I have no time to get anything done and how annoying it was to have each day follow a similar pattern. But sure enough, as soon as my contract was up, I found myself missing my routine and wondering how I would fill up my days. Sound familiar? 

For many of us, having the grass-is-always-greener syndrome is a normal facet of life, and I've come to understand there's no need to feel guilty about it. Once I accepted there's nothing wrong with missing the very things I was complaining about, I was able to focus on my present situation and think about what would suit me the best going forward. At the end of the day, there's always one patch of grass that's just a little more green than the other. 

Coconut oil works wonders on dry, damaged hair, and Argan oil makes your skin glow. As much as I love my ombré hair, after coloring it for the third time, my ends were seriously fried. Desperate, I decided to do a coconut oil hair mask which has been all the rage since Miranda Kerr admitted to being a fan. The result: aside from making my hair smell delicious, it totally salvaged my damaged locks, now if only I can stick to doing it regularly.  

The key is to buy extra virgin organic coconut oil, and to put about 1/2 a tablespoon's worth on your ends (preferably on dry hair), then tie your hair back and cover with a shower cap and a warm towel. Leave it in for 20-30 minutes and make sure to wash your hair very thoroughly afterwards. Do this treatment once a week to once a month depending on how dry your strands are. 

Living Foods Extra Virgin Coconut Oil is amazing for dry, damaged hair

A little Argan oil (I like Josie Maran's Organic Argan Oil), goes a long way. I've started applying a couple of drops to my face each night before moisturizing, and I swear the next day my skin has this dewy glow. I also like to rub a little on my split ends and cuticles, though I can't say I've seen results just yet. 

If you're not excited to go on a second date with someone, don't bother going. I think that one speaks for itself. 

Fear is the enemy. Every day, the toughest challenge for me is overcoming my fears. Apart from being terrified of pigeons and falling flat on my face down a flight of stairs, I fear failure, change, of offending someone, and a host of other things. My knee-jerk reaction in most circumstances is to say "I can't", or "I'm afraid," or "what if." 

Being in a relationship with someone I love is amazing, but sometimes I get so overwhelmed by my fears of things going wrong that I turn into the pathetic version of myself I so deeply despise. The thing is, fear is not the path to personal or professional happiness -- quite the opposite. For me, it all boils down to catching myself when I'm about to act out of fear and reminding myself that nothing good can ever come of it. It's about changing my inner dialogue from "I can't" to "I will" and focusing on the present. Easier said than done, but I be tryin'. 

Surround yourself with people who support you and inspire you to be better. You know that friend who is always a Negative Nancy and is constantly trying to bring others along for her miserable ride? Yeah, you should try to see her as little as possible because you've got bigger things to do, namely focusing on how you can be the best version of yourself. 

Ditch the dating rules and listen to your gut. It didn't take me too long to arrive at the conclusion that following some arbitrary dating rules was futile, but sadly it didn't mean I stopped second guessing myself entirely and wondering whether I was doing the "right " thing. 

For instance, after going on an incredible first date, the guy asked me to come out with him and his friends the next night. Worried I might come across as too available, I wasn't sure if I should go. When I asked a trusted advisor, his answer was: "Val, it's your life, not a game of chess; do what you want." The bottom line was I wanted to go, and so I did. Five months later, we're still together and I couldn't be happier. So there you have it. 

Guy pretty versus girl pretty: can your clothes be both?

Perennially stylish Diane Kruger wears a Calvin Klein look that's both guy and girl pretty. 

Having time to spare before a first date a while ago, I decided to poll three male friends about what I should wear. Being guys 'n' all, I kept the options straightforward: skirt, shorts or a dress. The skirt got one vote, but shorts (read: short shorts) won. So what did I do? Luckily, I had just become the proud owner of a Tibi skort, proving with a little creativity, everyone can be a winner. It was short (enough), comfortable (comfort is key), and I teamed it with a plain black pocket tee and super-high wedges. The verdict: compliments, followed by subsequent dates. 

But here's the caveat: when I posed the same question to a female friend, her knee-jerk reaction was  "dress." Muy interesante. It's no secret there are outfits that are strictly girl pretty, meaning while women will appreciate it, the look will be completely lost on guys. Usually such ensembles fall under the category of super trendy, highly embellished and/or too long and/or loose. For more information, please see: Man Repeller.

My friends and I often discuss the subject of whom do women dress for: themselves? other women? or men? First and foremost, I dress for myself, because if I don't like my appearance, I couldn't care less whether others do; and then, depending on where I'm going and whom I'm going to be with, I make a conscious choice to dress either for men or women. Yet lately, as I strive to streamline my wardrobe and make lasting fashion purchases, I've been thinking: can you dress for both equally without sacrificing your personal style? According to yours truly, the answer is a resounding yes. However, for those of us who get giddy over maxi skirts and frilly blouses, it does require some effort.

Allow me to let you in on a secret: men like women's bodies, so if you want a male-approved look, show (some) of it off.  Here's another secret: women also like when women flaunt what they've got, provided it's tasteful and feels authentic. For instance, while some dames can pull off a body-hugging short dress and look decidedly elegant (i.e., Gwyneth Paltrow)  -- my discomfort would instantly give me away. That said, I have no reservations exposing my legs, I would just choose a dress/shorts/skirt that suits my style, and I'd keep my top simple, but not plain because I'm a sucker for interesting draping and details, and I'd make sure it was neither too tight nor too loose. Think a fitted black leather mini, with a half-tucked black and white striped T, high heels and a jean jacket you can easily toss on and off.

Now you're probably thinking, okay Val, so let's say my clothes can do double duty and charm both sexes, what happens if on a given day I'm leaning more towards one than the other? I'm so glad you asked because this is a quandary that's easily solved by none other than a gal's best friend: accessories. Therefore, while both guys and gals will appreciate the aforementioned outfit with heels, I know ladies will get a kick out of seeing it paired with chic sneakers, oxfords, or riding boots, whereas the fellas would prefer a single sole pump. And while costume jewelry tends to be wasted on men, even the simplest sartorial choice will earn a gal pal's seal of approval if it's topped off with some stellar bling. Now go and get yourself some well-deserved compliments.

XOXO

Val

Online dating 101: my dos and don'ts

While discussing my online dating woes with a friend the other night, she suggested my newly acquired  knowledge deserved to be shared for the greater good of mankind (otherwise known as the twenty plus people who read this blog). A devotee of the “write about what you know” school of thought – I got down to business. Having dated online in New York City for a little over a year (OkCupid, JDate), I’ve culled together a good chunk of wisdom. Overall, I have nothing but praise for online dating, particularly when you’re busy and not the biggest fan of the bar pick-up-scene. While I doubt anyone would describe me as awkward or cold, I have been told I don’t give off an approachable vibe. Great. Approachability notwithstanding, I am pleased to report many of my dates went beyond the first date, and one even led to a brief relationship, but chances are you already know that so I’ll get on with the program. 

DON’T respond to anyone whose profile includes a topless photo. If you’re a guy, I’d stand clear of women in bikinis. With online dating, you have no choice but to judge a book at least somewhat by its cover, and such photos shout: “I’m vain”, and “I have a small brain capable of only thinking about one thing”. 

DO include a close-up as well as a full-length photo in your profile. Do I really need to remind you about the judgmental aspect of online dating? I never said it’s without fault. 

DO keep your messages short and sweet. I’ve had guys send me resume-type messages, making me question what it was about my profile that made them mistake me for a recruiter. Selling yourself makes you seem desperate; a joke along with a witty comment referencing the other person’s profile makes you look funny and smart – jackpot.

DON’T answer someone who has barely filled out his or her profile. It conveys laziness and a disinterest in anything other than a casual hook-up (unless that’s what you want, then by all means). Similarly, DON’T respond to a message that only contains “hey”, or “hey, what's up”. If they can’t take the time to read your profile and respond accordingly – they either failed high school, or just want to get in your pants. And on the topic of length, DO make sure your profile is complete without veering off into essay territory. I say keep your answers around 50 words. 

In regards to your profile's content, DO focus on what makes you unique and on being yourself and you can't fail. DO ensure your profile reflects your characteristics and values, especially those you want your significant other to share. Hence if you like sarcasm and eating out, and can’t imagine being with someone who doesn’t – highlight those things. A major perk of online dating is it allows – even encourages you to be upfront about what you want – much trickier to do in a bar setting. 

Ladies, DO make the first move. I’ve asked around, and while some guys don’t like it when girls send the initial message – most consider it a compliment and love it. And sometimes, if you want something done right – you gotta do it yourself. It’s simply absurd to wait around and assume the man of your dreams will find you if it’s meant to be. I mean who even has that kind of time?

DON’T lie. This means no photos of you from five years ago, I don't care how much hotter you were back then. 

DON’T play waiting games. In 2013, it’s safe to assume most people get emails or alerts whenever they get a message. Therefore, if you want to respond right away – go for it. Often we are actually too busy, or we can’t conjure up a witty response in the moment, but I think (at least I hope) we’re past the point of deeming someone a “loser” because they answered too soon. The image of someone waiting around by their computer is so 2007.

DO meet in person sooner rather than later. My rule is after three or four messages each way, if there’s a connection – stop typing and wait to hear the rest in person. Chemistry requires physical interaction, and cleverness will only get you so far if I think you smell or if I’d rather kiss my great-aunt.

DON'T respond to initial messages that only compliment your looks, or that ask you to meet up or chat on the phone. If you're writing to me, it's assumed you find me at least remotely attractive – it's just part and parcel of online dating. However, when you write me I'm hot and say little else – I get suspicious looks are the only reason you're getting in touch. And then we go back to the whole casual hookup thing. Similarly, if you want to chat on the phone or meet for a drink before you've even exchanged one message with me, I get even more suspicious about your intentions and I also assume you're a cocky asshole. 

DO confirm the date is happening the day before. While it's okay to iron out the details the day of, I think it's good manners to check in and make sure the date is actually happening as planned one day in advance. Like I said, we're all busy people. 

DON'T schedule a first date on the weekend. I break this rule frequently due to my busy student/work life, but a weeknight date is ideal for two reasons: 1) If the date is going badly you can count on the "I have to be at work early the next day" excuse, 2) If someone bails last minute, you're not left without plans on a precious Friday or Saturday night. Instead, you can get into your sweats and watch Scandal (I'm obsessed). 

DO have an open-mind. One of the best things online dating has going for it is it enables you to cast a wider net. If you're enjoying a conversation with someone but they don't meet all the criteria of the type of person you were hoping to meet, give it a try nonetheless. My theory is one night on the town with an interesting guy or gal won't kill you. Of course there is a chance they could turn out to be totally different in person (it has happened to me, albeit rarely), but bad dates make the best stories. And also, life's not fair – deal with it. 

xoxox

Val 

Texting etiquette: where's Emily Post when you need her?

I text, you text, heck -- even my mom texts.  When it comes to the early stages of dating, I'll choose texting over the phone any day -- it's casual, to the point, and I always sound so much wittier. I definitely don't say "like" as much via text; my fifth grade teacher would be proud. However, the informality of texting is precisely what  I love and loathe about it. For instance, the other day, a guy canceled a date over text a mere hour prior. Sure it was peppered with apologies, but something tells me he would've shown up despite his "crazy day at work" if his only way of canceling was to pick up the phone and say sorry voice-to-voice. Thoughts? Discuss.

Why can't we take advantage of the benefits of texting rather than using the medium as a means to act with an extra dose of disrespect? This isn't only a dating issue, although that's when it typically stings the most, but my friends, myself included (I know, even I make mistakes), are also guilty of texting-enabled rudeness. If you're on the phone and you're asked about your weekend plans, you can't pretend you didn't hear the question, but with texts you can reply days later, saying anything from: "my phone just turned off" (sometimes it does happen), to: "I saw your text, then got distracted by "x" and forgot to answer -- oops, sooo sorry".  Catch my drift? I realize it's unrealistic (a gal can dream), to enact a set of dating texting rules so we can all loosen our death gripes on our phones, but next time you either don't respond to a text, don't respond within an appropriate time frame, cancel plans at the last minute (the list goes on), ask yourself: would I do this if texting wasn't an option?

Lastly, I would love to hear your thoughts on how long is too long to reply to a text message. Two hours? six hours? One day? Is there even such a thing in today's fast-paced, informal dating culture? What about with regards to friends or acquaintances? Side note: my next interaction with the "date-canceler" involved me having to wait over 24 hours for a response. Needless to say, I was pissed off. I know this is a contentious subject, and even I, with my OCD-type personality have been guilty of returning calls AND texts a day, or -- gasp -- two later. Does it count that I knew it was wrong, apologized, and I've only done it again five, maybe six times? I hope to hear from you, just don't wait too long -- whatever that means...

xoxo

Val

Heart matters: understanding the elusive "spark factor"

This year's VALentine's Day post is devoted to a topic, that while slightly cliche, has been perplexing me nonetheless. It's a little something I like to call "the spark factor", and my question to anyone listening, is how long should you date someone before "discarding" them into the no-spark-bin?

I bet if I asked 100 people, I'd get 100 different answers. Or better yet -- I'd get twice -- or thrice as many because of the dreaded  it-depends-scenarios tossed in for good measure. I would surely hear about the the gal who despised the guy at first, but he wouldn't take no for an answer and months later they're madly in love. Some might advise to keep dating if there's even the faintest glimmer of a spark to see if fireworks might eventually develop, while others adhere to the theory that for a relationship to work, sparks must be instantaneous.

At the end of the day, I know myself best and personal experience dictates the magic number lays somewhere between two and four dates. There have been times where I only felt a slight connection on the first date, but after date two or three started to come down with can't-eat-can't-sleep-syndrome -- otherwise known as really liking someone. Lately, however, I've been meeting guys whom I genuinely enjoy spending time with and whom I feel attracted to, but even after the fourth date, I don't get that aforementioned jittery feeling. What I feel instead is confusion; one part of me thinks it will never work, while the other half is saying, give it a chance or you'll risk missing out on something potentially great.

We live in an age of FOMO (fear of missing out), and romance is no exception. Conversely, we twenty-somethings lead immensely busy lives, where free time is a precious commodity. Personally, I don't want to and can't afford to waste time dating someone I'm just not that into. Like most matters in life, there's no black and white solution to such conundrums. Still, what I've gleaned from recent situations is what works for me is to shut-off my brain and take a step back. As soon as I stopped obsessively thinking about why I wasn't feeling that thing with the last guy I dated and took a mini-break from seeing him, I started to relax. Once relaxed, I was able to go on our fifth date with a positive attitude and a clear head. That's when I realized that great as he is, something was amiss. The FOMO feeling had quelled and I had the certainty I desired.

The lesson here is matters of the heart rarely make sense and thinking about them too much makes everything worse and unnecessarily complicated. So how long should you keep dating someone before "discarding" them into the no-spark-bin? No one can answer that for you (sucks, right?), and the only way I can answer it for myself is by following my gut and ceasing all attempts at trying to find answers.

You talkin' to me? Changing our inner dialogue

Do you ever think something to yourself that makes you go what the #@!& immediately after? This has been happening to me a lot as of late, and I'm fed up with my self destructive inner-dialogue. For instance, in my romantic life I've never been one to favor "the asshole" or the "sort of asshole" over "the nice guy". However,  I've actually thought to myself recently, and even said aloud to others: "ugh, is he too nice?" And: "why is he being so nice, what does he want?".  You know you've reached a new low when you're considering turning someone down or questioning them for being too nice. And while I make a point of saying how much I loath game playing as it pertains to dating, lately I find myself wondering if a guy's desperate if he's too quick to express interest in me. Despicable. I mean god forbid someone actually likes me, obviously he's a first-class ("L" on forehead) loser.

Yes, one of the downsides of dating is it can make a cynic out of the best of us, yet I like to think it doesn't have to. Perhaps I've taken one too many affirmation-shouting Inten-Sati classes (at Equinox), where the focus is on empowerment through a more positive inner dialogue. Or maybe it's the start of a new year and I've got my rose tinted glasses on. What I'm trying to express is when such thoughts arise, I've got to remind myself that I am worthy of love and good things. In a sense, it's so much easier to think negatively because then we're better equipped to deal with disappointments. The reality, however, is we're much much more likely to find success -- in all facets of life, if we believe it is ours to be had. And just think of all the bad energy we're sending out into the atmosphere?! Still not saying we shouldn't proceed with caution (there are crazies out there) but you, well, you get it right? Love thyself. Be kind to thyself. Repeat.

xoxo

Val

Better late than never: 2013 resolutions

Me in "guru pose" (as my friend Pam called it) on New Year's eve in Saint. Martin. 

Happy 2013 dear readers! I've finally come up with some New Year's resolutions I think I can actually keep. What was that? Disbelief? Oh no you didn'ttttt (insert mandatory finger waving and snapping). Besides, putting my resolutions on the web for all to see already implies a certain degree of accountability, right? I think so anyways.

 What are your resolutions? Send them my way and we can keep each other in-check. Thank you again for reading, it means the world to me as this blog is truly a labor of love. 

1. Blog more. Duh. 

2. De-clutter. Cabinets, closet, desk -- the works. I find I breathe easier when there's less "stuff" around me. It's also a major time-saver, especially for someone who is perennially late. That brings me to my second resolution...

3. Be on time. Stop under-estimating how much time I need to get ready and arrive at my final destination. 

4. Get together with friends more often during the week. Drinks on a Wednesday despite having work the next day? Yes please! Life's too short to not take advantage of NYC's vibrant nightlife which some argue attracts better crowds (ahem, eligible bachelors) on weekdays. 

5. Eat less sweets. Moderation, moderation, moderation.

6. Keep changing up my exercise regime to avoid getting bored and to keep my muscles on their toes so to speak. Last year I fell in love with the ballet inspired barre-burn classes and the heart-pumping, affirmation shouting inten-sati classes at Equinox. In 2013, I'm trying pilates on the megaformer at SLT. It has been described as "pilates on steroids", and while I'm scared, I'm also kind of psyched. I've also just gotten into Mary Helen Bowers' ballet-based dvd workouts. The former ballerina and Natalie Portman's trainer for Black Swan helps you get that long and lean ballerina body. Her quick, targeted workouts are perfect when you're traveling or pressed for time. 

7. Sport a bold lip more often. It's an instant winter pick-me-up on days when I'm looking Edward-Cullen-esque. My current favorite is Nars' Velvet Matte Lip Pencil in "Dragon Girl".

8. Smile more at strangers. As Gandhi said, "be the change you wish to see in the world", and I would like to live in a more positive, upbeat world. And also because you never know who will smile back... 

9. Reap the benefits of living in New York City by attending more art exhibits, plays, comedy shows, musicals and concerts. 

10. Remain calm. I almost want to cross this one off the list because calm and me don't exactly go together, but I really, really, really want to try to keep my cool in the face of  stress this year. I can and I will try and that's the most we can ever ask of ourselves -- to try. And if we fail -- there's always 2014.

Xoxo

Val 

Words of Wisdom from a 25 year old

Toasting 25 years of wisdom (yeah right!) at Kingswood 

Twenty-five. The big 2-5. Quarter. Life. Crisis. Any Sex and the City devotee likely recalls the episode where Carrie goes to an Italian restaurant to celebrate her 35th birthday (or maybe it was 34th?) and none of her friends show up. And if the situation wasn't dire enough - the girl next to her loudly proclaims: "25 - f#&% I'm old". Ouch. Well today I'm 25, and for some reason, that's all I seem to want to say right now. Now I know 25 isn't actually old, especially in today's world where the notion of age is constantly being redefined. I need not look any further than my 82 year-old grandfather who walks at such a brisk pace, few 25 year-olds (cough, cough) can keep up. Besides, with age comes wisdom, and just like I did last year, I want to share some of what I've learned over the last year with you. Having lived in New York City since January, this past year has been quite the whirlwind; I've often found myself exclaiming: "I feel like I've lived 10 years in the last year".  I've always had a flair for the dramatic, but needless to say - I've got lots to share, so let's get on with it.

1) Two words: emerging adulthood. Yup, that's the name developmental psychologist Jeffrey Arnett calls the period between ages 18-29 -- a period his research shows ought to be recognized as a distinct developmental stage that occurs between adolescence and full-on adulthood. His theory is supported by findings that the area of our brain in charge of planning, prioritizing and controlling impulses isn't entirely developed until our late twenties. Jackpot. I've been reading a lot about Arnett and similar research, most recently in the November issue of ELLE, and I couldn't agree more. Neither Arnett nor I am saying we should put off growing up and decision making, but given the changing society twenty-somethings live in today (globalization, changes in corporate culture, delaying marriage and having children), there's nothing wrong with taking this time to explore various lifestyles, career/education paths and relationships. It's nice to know that science supports -- even encourages us to make mistakes and figure things out during these formative years, which is why why we shouldn't get down on ourselves when we have to stop, re-think and reboot. Can you hear that? It was a sigh of relief.

2) We are all works in progress. Harking back somewhat to my first point, I'm slowly learning results don't come overnight -- they hardly ever come over lots and lots of nights
 -- sometimes even years. I'm someone who want to see the fruits of my labors very quickly; I start working out more, well I want to see some definition within weeks, or I start dating and I get discouraged when I don't meet the man of my dreams on the third try. Well, I'm slowly learning life just doesn't work that way -- it really is a constant fight. When all we think about are results, what we're really doing is setting ourselves up for disappointment. On the other hand, if we tell ourselves that we're a constant work in progress and that it's okay to lose track of our goals, or that we might not get what we want when we want it, we'll be able to enjoy the journey. The important thing is to keep trying and to not waste time chastising yourself if you fall off the horse, but rather get back on it and charge ahead.

3) Never under-estimate the importance of looking put together. I'm not referring to having your hair blown-out daily -- I'm a weekday bun-wearer myself, however, you always feel better and have a happier, more productive day when you take that extra step. That means wearing a touch of makeup, a little jewelry and some nice shoes. Oh, and for gods-sake NO Lululemon's unless you just worked out or are planning on doing so within 2.5 hours, are nursing an abominable hangover, or if there's a hurricane approaching. And don't even get me started on leggings as pants. 

4) You can't please everyone, so just stop trying. Stop it. Now. I'm the epitome of a people-pleaser, and let me tell you -- it's exhausting.  I mean I have lost sleep worrying about whether I had hurt someone's feelings, someone who wasn't even a good friend, only to later learn they had no recollection of the conversation. My mom has always said: "you're not a $10 bill -- not everyone will like you". Wise words spoken by an even wiser woman. Between dating, working in different offices and socializing,  I find myself interacting with an increasing number of people, and I know if I continue over-analyzing whether my words and/or actions might've negatively affected someone, or worse -- their view of me --  I'll look 50 by the time I hit 30.  Now there's food for thought.

5) When a guy tells you he's bad at relationships, isn't a good communicator and doesn't know what he wants in his life despite being in his thirties -- run. Fast. Never look back. I know I'm regurgitating words from a previous post about dating, but it's something I had to learn the hard way this year, so if I can spare you a lil pain -- than all the better. In fact, I'm considering putting these words on T-shirts. Thoughts? 

6) Be flexible. I'm not talking about the yoga-kind of flexibility, even though I think it does wonders for the mind and body, but rather being flexible in life. I've never been good at either, but as I get older (gaaaaa), I realize the importance of being able to go with the flow and the need to shake things up from time to time. I'm a stickler for routine, but some of the greatest nights of the past year took place when I abandoned my "plan" and did something unexpected, or that I didn't necessarily want to do. 

7) Read. Books, newspapers, magazines, blogs -- the more the merrier. Reading is exercise for our brains and it's never too early to start thinking about ways we can stave off the horrible disease that is Alzheimer's. What's more, reading makes us smarter, more well-rounded humans -- yuppie! It's also the best way to become a stronger writer and a better conversationalist, plus, it's enjoyable and a great way to unwind.  I always start my day by reading a couple articles from the New York Times and New York Magazine, while ensuring to check my style blogs (duh). Below are some  books I've read and liked recently:

- This is Where I Leave You by Jonathan Tropper
- The Marriage Plot by Jeffrey Eugenides 
- The Starboard Sea by Amber Dermont
- Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn

8) Dating isn't easy. Throw that notion out the window and enter the dating world helmut in hand because there will be bumps and you will sustain bruises along the way. I promise though, it will be fun too. Another bit of wisdom: go into every date open-minded. To quote my mother: "you may not like him but you might just like his friend..." Life is full of surprises and you literally never know who's waiting around the corner which is why I think it's  important to get out there and date -- as daunting and painful as it might be. After all, it's kind of hard to win the lottery if you never bought a ticket in the first place. 

9) Throw out the dating rules. When I first forayed into the Manhattan dating world, I was  so focused on how things "ought" to be according to some arbitrary "rules"  that were ingrained in my head, that I spent an inordinate amount of time obsessing over whether I had done something "wrong". With time and a little experience, I've come to believe that rules are stupid, and that when it's "right", no one's going to care who made the first move or who over-shared on the first-date. If you want to call him -- do it! If you're scared, then maybe that's all the more reason to do it. I didn't always think this way, but I'm learnin'.

10) Listen to your body. Just because your friend can workout six days a week and feel perfectly fine, doesn't mean it's right for you. Take cues from your body because it's always communicating with you. I said this back when I was a young lass at 24: our health is the most important thing we've got in this world, so we have to take care of our bodies and our minds. If something doesn't feel right, stop. There's nothing wrong with trying again, but take it easy. And always remember to inhale and exhale. I tend to forget so I figured I'd remind y'all. 

And one more for good luck: Don't knock online dating until you've tried it. All you skeptics out there need to step into 2012 and realize it's not your mama's dating world anymore. Trust me on this one. Just give it a try. Just one -- or two, or three. I'll shut up now. 

Happy Birthday Me!

xoxox
Val

What better time to try a bold lip than on my birthday?
Nars Lip Lacquer in Hot Wired 
Kisses to y'all! 

Hurts so good: the positive side of pain

In exercise, the saying is pain is good; but when it comes to matters of the heart, does the adage still apply? I think so. After all, something tells me John Mellencamp wasn't talking about a particularly grueling workout when he sang "Hurts So Good" back in the 80s. When a relationship ends, as a nearly five month long one did for me recently, one doesn't always see the positives right away, but believe me -- they're there -- somewhere. Pain of any kind, in this case the romantic sort, begets a lot of not so fun things, but it also leads to wisdom. And what good is relationship/dating wisdom if you can't share it with others - especially the ones who suffer through your ramblings -- i.e. blog posts. Trust me when I say I've dated extensively since my move to NYC in January; I'm one of those go big or go home kinda gals, so the musings below do have some (not much) grounds for validity.


1. Patience is a virtue, but too much of it and you risk creeping into self-denial and unhappiness territory. Don't get me wrong, my time with, let's call him B, was a ton of fun and I learnt A LOT, but when you know something's not working, it's best to not wait around and get out before the potential for pain escalates and you have more wisdom than you know what to do with. Catch my drift? Your gut will tell you when enough is enough. I wasn't sure I even had a gut until it started yelling at me with a megaphone, like I'm sure yours will if it hasn't done so already.

2. When a guy tells you he's bad at relationships, isn't a good communicator and doesn't know what he wants in his life despite being in his thirties -- run. Fast. Never look back.

3.  Don't be afraid to speak up if something is bothering you. I was so scared to rock the boat and to be the much-maligned needy girl that I waited too long to discuss issues that were upsetting me and taking up an inordinate amount of space in my brain. Yes, you risk hearing things you don't want to hear, but ignorance can only be blissful for so long. In the end, I was glad I spoke up because I like myself too much to settle for anything less than what I want and believe I deserve to have in a relationship.

4. Be yourself. You can only be someone else for so long before you realize it's a lose-lose situation for both parties involved. There were times with B when I was trying to seem casual about things I didn't feel casual about, or feigned interest in subjects I wasn't interested in because I thought it would make me more likable. This was very uncharacteristic of me and the fact I was doing it, and was aware of my actions made me doubt whether "this" was in fact right for me. It wasn't. My theory, and many will concur, is that when it's "right", you feel at ease being yourself, albeit a slightly more well-groomed version.

5.  When in doubt, date. From the get-go I had my doubts as to whether things with B could ever get past the this-is-way-too-much-fun-to-pass-up stage and morph into something serious, so I kept an open mind about the possibility of dating others simultaneously. I wasn't on the prowl cougar-style or anything, but I definitely wasn't putting on my habit either. Not only did such a mind-set keep me from obsessing over every little detail with B (self-destructive) and from coming off as "too available", it was a way of re-affirming to myself that I'm not willing to settle. What happened was I ended up meeting S,  whom I had a great time with, and while things didn't work out there either (surprise, surprise), the wonderful way he treated me highlighted some of B's shortcomings and put certain matters into perspective. Perspective, my friends -- is a good thing.

And one more for good luck...

6. Men are stupid. They are also fun. Like many of us modern-day women, we don't need 'em, we just want 'em. One of the reasons why is listed above, the others, well, there are many and we all have our own. The point I'm trying to make is as hard and daunting as dating and relationships can be (excruciating at times), it's a ride that's worth it and one we should enjoy. Pain has a positive side; pain  makes us wise, and wisdom -- is priceless. Bottom line: never, ever give up. Never.

Not having it together; not falling apart

In one of the final scene's of Bride Wars, a teary eyed Kate Hudson turns to a teary eyed Anna Hathaway post major cat fight and declares: "I've realized I don't have to have it together all the time and it feels very liberating".  That may or may not be verbatim; I was only watching this abhorrent film because it was on the jumbo screen at my nail salon, but you get the gist right? I realize that chick flicks, particularly those starring Kate Hudson aren't exactly beacons of wisdom, yet I heard the aforementioned words at just the right time, and yes, a minor eureka moment ensued.

You see, lately I've been having minor freak-outs spurred by several reasons, most of which have to do with all the uncertainties in my life. I'm fortunate enough to be studying fashion marketing at one of the top fashion school's in the world, yet I still don't know what part of the industry I want to work in. It seems the more internships I do, the more confused I become. One day I want to write, the next day I can't fathom the thought of writing for a living and want to pursue a more business-oriented career. Basically, I'm confused. I feel the pressure mounting, and the words: "you've been given this incredible opportunity, you've got to make the most of it or you'll be a giant failure", keep ringing in my head. Sometimes, these thoughts are so loud, not even some intense cardio-kickboxing can silence them. What's more, the fact I'm a Canadian citizen competing for limited fashion jobs with Americans makes things a tad more complex. America, what did we ever do to you? I mean, we're soooo nice. On top of that, my personal life is also up in the air, and dating in New York can be, well, tricky to say the least. Will I meet my soulmate? Will I have kids? Will I get my dream job, or any job for that matter in New York (where I want to be)? I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW, I DO NOT KNOW.

Now do you understand why hearing Kate Hudson's words hit me so hard? I don't have it "together", but maybe if I come to terms with it and accept it, I'll feel "liberated"? Perhaps if I embrace the uncertainties - give 'em a big ol' hug and kiss - the panic will subside? Maybe if I stand in front of the mirror and say: "I don't have the answers and that's okay", I'll feel a weight lifted off my shoulders and I'll be able to focus on doing my best in the present moment. My former yoga teacher Joanna Nowa, always said: "If you take care of this moment, you've taken care of every moment that's to follow". How simple and brilliant? With the help of yoga, Hudson and my wise parents and friends whom I call during moments of anxiety, I'm slowly starting to realize that life isn't necessarily about having it together all the time or reaching certain goals or hitting specific milestones - it's about the little moments that make up everyday. Happiness doesn't come from having the answers, it's about doing little things daily that may or may not lead us to them. Life is but a giant question mark right now, however, if I learn to love the unknown, I can focus more on the present (like savoring this cappuccino in front of me), and then, if and when I arrive at my destination (if there even is one), I'll be able to enjoy it that much more. I don't have it together, but it doesn't mean I'm falling apart either.

DON'T stop and think.

The other day my friend and I were running around what felt like all of Manhattan (okay it might've just been in and around Union Square and Greenwich Village), trying to put our fashion design project together. Our perilous journey towards mediocrity (sorry P), led us through many a campus computer lab, Staples (three times), three restaurants (what, we've gotta eat!), Zara (for inspiration), and several other destinations I won't bore you with. The point of this is wherever we went that day, it seemed all any female over the age of eighteen was talking about was MEN. An earth shattering revelation, I know. But here's the thing, any discussion I managed to overhear was focused only around the guy. "why do you think he did that?", and "can you believe he said this", and "why is he not calling?", and "when will he finally get his act together?" etc.  Basically, it was all he, he, he.

Listening to these women it hit me that I too am guilty of wasting precious time trying to analyze what the guy is thinking and attempting to interpret his actions rather than thinking about my reactions and feelings toward the situation. Self destructive much? What I'm trying to say is the more time we spend trying to figure out men, the less time we focus on what we want and what makes us truly happy. And c'mon, like we're ever going to figure 'em out anyways. Ladies, are you with me?

However, once we figure out what it is we really want and how we feel about what's happening, we've also got to take two steps back and realize that men often communicate and act differently from us in similar situations. We've got to be a little patient and understanding because that's what relationships of any kind, platonic or romantic are build upon. My whole shtik is we've got to stop trying to "get" men and why they do what they do. Instead, we should focus on whether we're happy, while somehow managing to meet them at least 1/3 of the way, and spending more energy focusing on enjoying the process. Now don't think I've got the answers to how exactly we can enjoy ourselves as opposed to tormenting ourselves, but I'm working on it and when I find the answers -- you'll know where to look.

xoxo
-Val

When it's good to be a bad listener

As you guys have probably figured out by now, my life is pretty much an open blog. I love to share my favorite restaurants, shops, stories, insights, jokes, and the like with my family, friends, hairdresser, doorman and well, you get the idea. That said, my love life is no exception. In fact, if there's one part of my life I especially LOVE to share, it's my dating dilemmas. I'll ask anyone who'll listen what they think of a somewhat cryptic text message or what their opinion is on splitting the bill, sex on the first? third? tenth? date, what not to say on a first date, when's the right time to break out the sweats, etc.

I'm not exactly sure why I do this. It could be the journalist in me and my natural propensity for sharing news, knowledge and ideas, it could be a manifestation of my insecurities when it comes to romance and relationships, or it might be a consequence of my unwavering need to understand how life and love "works". Likely, it's a combination of all the above. The problem is, when it comes to one's love life, over-sharing and asking for too many people's opinions can become overwhelming and downright confusing. It can also blur the line between actions you're doing because it's what feels right to you, and actions you're doing because it's what you think you ought to be doing because your best friend's friend's cousin said so, and obviously she knows what she's talkin' about because she has a successful marriage. Right? WRONG!

What I've learned is if there's anytime where you have to be truly, madly, deeply yourself is if you want to foster a meaningful connection with someone. After all, how would you feel if the person they fell in love or like with was an amalgamation of people you created based on your trainer's/ sister's/ cousin's/ friend's/ butcher's opinion? The real you is bound to come up eventually because that's just how it goes and then things can get kind of tricky and icky.

So my goal from now on is to me more judicious in my sharing, and to find a way to tell people who are close to me about my life and love life without always asking for their opinions. And, when people offer unsolicited advice, which let's face it, people tend to do A LOT, I'll have to figure out a way to listen without internalizing advice to the point where I let it dictate my actions. If I happen to agree, it's a whole other story, but then I'll still be doing something because it's what feels right to ME. Bottom line: we (and when I say "we" I mostly mean "me" because heck, who am I to tell you what to do and how to think), need to remember that no one knows us better than we know ourselves and we are the only ones who know the entirety of a situation, so we've got to trust our gut and do as we see fit. Life and love can be terrifying, but there's no other option except to grab the bull by its horns and go along for the ride -  in our own special way.