Hurts so good: the positive side of pain

In exercise, the saying is pain is good; but when it comes to matters of the heart, does the adage still apply? I think so. After all, something tells me John Mellencamp wasn't talking about a particularly grueling workout when he sang "Hurts So Good" back in the 80s. When a relationship ends, as a nearly five month long one did for me recently, one doesn't always see the positives right away, but believe me -- they're there -- somewhere. Pain of any kind, in this case the romantic sort, begets a lot of not so fun things, but it also leads to wisdom. And what good is relationship/dating wisdom if you can't share it with others - especially the ones who suffer through your ramblings -- i.e. blog posts. Trust me when I say I've dated extensively since my move to NYC in January; I'm one of those go big or go home kinda gals, so the musings below do have some (not much) grounds for validity.


1. Patience is a virtue, but too much of it and you risk creeping into self-denial and unhappiness territory. Don't get me wrong, my time with, let's call him B, was a ton of fun and I learnt A LOT, but when you know something's not working, it's best to not wait around and get out before the potential for pain escalates and you have more wisdom than you know what to do with. Catch my drift? Your gut will tell you when enough is enough. I wasn't sure I even had a gut until it started yelling at me with a megaphone, like I'm sure yours will if it hasn't done so already.

2. When a guy tells you he's bad at relationships, isn't a good communicator and doesn't know what he wants in his life despite being in his thirties -- run. Fast. Never look back.

3.  Don't be afraid to speak up if something is bothering you. I was so scared to rock the boat and to be the much-maligned needy girl that I waited too long to discuss issues that were upsetting me and taking up an inordinate amount of space in my brain. Yes, you risk hearing things you don't want to hear, but ignorance can only be blissful for so long. In the end, I was glad I spoke up because I like myself too much to settle for anything less than what I want and believe I deserve to have in a relationship.

4. Be yourself. You can only be someone else for so long before you realize it's a lose-lose situation for both parties involved. There were times with B when I was trying to seem casual about things I didn't feel casual about, or feigned interest in subjects I wasn't interested in because I thought it would make me more likable. This was very uncharacteristic of me and the fact I was doing it, and was aware of my actions made me doubt whether "this" was in fact right for me. It wasn't. My theory, and many will concur, is that when it's "right", you feel at ease being yourself, albeit a slightly more well-groomed version.

5.  When in doubt, date. From the get-go I had my doubts as to whether things with B could ever get past the this-is-way-too-much-fun-to-pass-up stage and morph into something serious, so I kept an open mind about the possibility of dating others simultaneously. I wasn't on the prowl cougar-style or anything, but I definitely wasn't putting on my habit either. Not only did such a mind-set keep me from obsessing over every little detail with B (self-destructive) and from coming off as "too available", it was a way of re-affirming to myself that I'm not willing to settle. What happened was I ended up meeting S,  whom I had a great time with, and while things didn't work out there either (surprise, surprise), the wonderful way he treated me highlighted some of B's shortcomings and put certain matters into perspective. Perspective, my friends -- is a good thing.

And one more for good luck...

6. Men are stupid. They are also fun. Like many of us modern-day women, we don't need 'em, we just want 'em. One of the reasons why is listed above, the others, well, there are many and we all have our own. The point I'm trying to make is as hard and daunting as dating and relationships can be (excruciating at times), it's a ride that's worth it and one we should enjoy. Pain has a positive side; pain  makes us wise, and wisdom -- is priceless. Bottom line: never, ever give up. Never.