Words of wisdom from a 27-year-old

Thinking of smart things to tell you

What a difference 365 days makes! Since my last birthday, I've managed to move from Manhattan to Miami, land a new job, make new friends and most importantly --- get married. Needless to say, this year has been one amazing roller coaster, and at 27 I feel I have a much better understanding of the woman I want to be and about the things that matter most. I think it's when we're faced with changes and challenges that we're able to really learn about ourselves. So without further adieu, here are some bits of wisdom I want to share with y'all:

1. Things have a funny way of working themselves out. When I think about the situations that have caused me the greatest amount of anxiety, I find myself amazed by how said situations have often resolved themselves. In fact, sometimes the end result wound up being even better than the best case scenario I had envisioned. This isn't to say we shouldn't be doing everything we can to effect our circumstances --- we should --- it's just I think at a certain point we have to let the "higher powers" play their role too. Adopting this mentality helps me eliminate the stress, fear and anxiety associated with outcomes I can't fully control, and there's so much to be said for that.

2. Cooking isn't as intimidating as it seems. My mom is an excellent chef and made dinner for our family six out of seven nights a week. Consequently, I feared cooking because it seemed too darn hard and I thought I'd never measure up. But when I moved to Miami it became clear I couldn't have healthy meals delivered to my door with a click of a button the same way I could in NYC, and so in order to eat well I knew I would have to brave the kitchen. Thankfully my mother-in-law arranged some cooking classes for me and my sister-in-law, and within a couple months I gained the confidence to make a meal solo.

My advice for new chefs is to get the best ingredients you can find/afford and start with simple recipes like broiled salmon filets with olive oil and seasoning, or roasted chicken. I also find it helps to combine what I've learned from my classes with recipes from my favorites (Martha Stewart, Ina Garten) and advice gathered from friends and family. You really only learn cooking by doing it and you adjust recipes to suit your tastes as you go. But coming from the girl who a year ago didn't know how to turn on her oven (true story) and can now make a complete meal --- if I can do it, then you certainly can.

3. Our words are so powerful. We may not realize this, but what we say to others and ourselves has a huge impact. With just one simple compliment we can elevate someone's day, yet one nasty remark can really bring a person down. Of course it's bad to lie or be fake, but there's always something positive we can say to people around us --- particularly the ones we care about. Girls especially are known to be nasty to each other and while it subsides after high school, it never completely ends. With all the pressure we put on ourselves as women, it's exremely crucial we support and encourage one another. I recently had a girlfriend compliment my writing, while another told me I had beautiful eyes. Conversely, I've had girls say negative things about my career choices, as well as my nose, ears, weight and hair. While they shouldn't, these remarks change how we perceive ourselves, so choose your words wisely.

Similarly, we can say the ugliest things to ourselves and the more we say them --- the more we internalize them and they become our reality.  I read somewhere that we shouldn't tell ourselves anything we wouldn't say to our young daughter. I couldn't agree more. And with that, I leave you with a quote I came across on Instagram today (don't mock): If the words you spoke appeared on your skin, would you still be beautiful? Amen.

4. Figure out what makes you happy and do more of it. Write it down. I literally did this. Yup, you've gotta carve out time for such activities but it will be worth it.

5. Sometimes you gotta leave your man alone. When my husband's feeling down, tired, stressed etc. my initial instinct is to swoop in and try to solve the problem via talking about it. Men, however, don't always (hardly ever) feel like talking it out. That said, when I'm told "I don't wanna talk about it" or "nothing's wrong" when I know something clearly is --- I get upset. This can sometimes lead to a fight, mostly because I feel frustrated for not being able to remedy the situation. I like to fix things --- and fast! Yet slowly I'm learning not only can I not solve everything, but that I don't have to. Sometimes, the best thing I can do for my fellow is to let him be and give him some time to feel better on his own terms. Easy, right?

XOXO

Val

I'm married, so now what? Musings from a new wife

We did it! Our very intimate wedding in South Beach, Miami 

I've been married for almost one month now, and the question I've been getting the most is: so, what's married life like? While I've spent many moments in the shower trying to conjure up a smart, witty and wise answer, the best I've been able to come up with has been: it's, umm, the same. Why? Because it's pretty much the truth.

As much as I love that my nieces and nephew can officially refer to David as "uncle David," and that I officially have a mother-in-law and a sister-in-law, the underlying sense of family existed before the I do's. I find it equally amazing and entirely bizarre referring to David as my husband and telling people that yes, I'm a married woman. But when you put aside the new vocabulary that's suddenly at my disposable -- my life on a day-to-day basis has barely changed since the big day.

Had we not been living together for over a year before we wed my answer would likely be a lot different. For me, cohabitation is the real relationship game changer. That's when your love is tested by daily squabbles over the importance/non importance of coasters, or who has to take out the trash. And you have to juggle it all with life's inherent ups and downs. Me thinks that if at the end of the day you find yourself loving the other person even more -- that's when you know you're with someone truly special.

However, relationships, much like marriage are hard work. There's no part of me that thinks okay, I'm married, so now I can sit back and relax so to speak. Just because there's a ring on my finger doesn't mean I feel I've won the ultimate relationship prize. I'm beyond happy no doubt, but the ultimate prize for me will come when I can look at my husband in 50 years and smile knowing he's still the one. And that I know will take many, many years of commitment, compromise, trust and affection.

Not to sound cynical, but marriages, especially when there aren't children involved can dissapate almost as easily as serious relationships. So now that I'm a Mrs., I plan on working even harder to make my marriage successful. No, it's not because we signed a document and made vows and therefore are now more committed to each other. It's because my love and respect for my husband grows everyday, and because I want to have kids with him -- and dammit I want that 50th wedding anniversary.

xoxo

Val

Beauty on the brain Part II: my love hate relationship with makeup

The five makeup products I'm using this summer

My first experience with makeup was in the fifth grade when my best friend and I decided to smear the contents of her mother's bathroom drawers onto our faces. I was 11 years old and for some reason I thought mocha lipstick with brown lipliner and gobs of fuschia blush was a good look for me. I still recall being awestruck by how it took only a couple of products to make my features "pop," although I'm not quite sure I would've used that word back then. Needless to say, I was completely seduced.

I simply couldn't wait till the seventh grade when it would finally be "appropriate" to wear a little bit of makeup to school (mascara and blush), and my favorite part about the Bar-Mitzvah circuit was getting my face made-up by my older sister.

Since then, however, my relationship with makeup has gradually morphed into a love hate one. I love it for the same reason I hate it: I look better with it on. Here's the thing, while part of me thinks it makes perfect sense to take a couple moments everyday to make sure I look and feel my best, there's another part of me that resents that my best isn't me au naturel. How is it that makeup can boost my confidence by making me feel prettier, yet simultaneously make me insecure for needing it to feel prettier and confident?

On the one hand, I like the structure that putting on makeup lends my morning; it readies me for the day ahead. I've got my game face on so to speak. Conversely, since I'm virtually the slowest person ever, this ritual could potentially be taking me away from more important activities, like reading more news for instance, or working on this blog.

It frustrates me that I have allowed "society" and its so-called aesthetic standards to convince me that dark circles and blemishes must be masked, while eyelashes and cheekbones ought to be enhanced. Who decided this? I'd like a word with him or her. I'll admit it: I'm a total slave to the beauty industry, and yet I would be lying if I said I didn't get genuinly excited over a new lipstick purchase.

Okay, but what am I trying to articulate in this mumbo-jumbo of words you've just read (or scanned)? Truth be told, I'm not exactly sure, I simply have the urge to share my conflicting thoughts and frustrations on the topic of makeup. It's something that's been on my mind recently due to the proliferation of celebrities and models posting #nomakeup selfies on Instagram. They're supposed to make them seem more relatable, which should then make us feel better about ourselves, but I think these selfies end up doing just the opposite because the subjects still look so ridiculously amazing.

So what am I going to do about all these, umm, feelings? Well, I'm always trying to take care of my skin and get enough sleep so I can get away with the least amount of makeup. Lately that means some tinted moisturizer on my chin and cheeks, concealer, cream blush, mascara, and occasionally lipstick (I can't get enough of Nars' satin lip pencil in Yu). Some days I'll skip the tinted moisturizer and/or lipstick, but god help me I'm not giving up the under-eye concealer unless I'm at the gym or the beach. That's progress, no?

We get so used to seeing ourselves a certain way that changing things up -- especially when that means wearing barely any makeup -- is tough. But hey, I'm trying to take baby steps, so there's that. Bottom line: I think as long as you can still be comfortable sporting a bare face (i.e, no freaking out), then there's no harm in relying on makeup's confidence boosting abilities most days.

Do you share any of my conflicting thoughts re makeup? What's your opinion about celebrities and model posting #nomakeup selfies?

xoxo

Val

Long distance adult friendships: do they work?

Do kids make adult friendships, particularly the long distance kind much harder to maintain?

Do you ever stop and think about your friendships? More specifically, do you contemplate how the nature of your friendships has changed since you finished univeristy? Or, if most of your friendships are long distance like mine are, do you mull over what makes them work? My friends are always on my mind, but they have been more so than ever since I moved to Miami nearly nine months ago.

Maintaining friendships, namely the good, solid kind is never easy. However, things are significantly less complicated when the majority of your friends live in the same city as you and everyone's in school. The playing field is even, so to say. But it's when college ends that everything changes. People get jobs, they move away, relationships become more serious, and friendships as you once knew them --  are never quite the same again.

The fact that I haven't seen some of my closest friends for several months, or that sometimes a month can go by without a phone chat -- is still a bizarre concept for me to wrap my head around. Yet somehow it works.

How? For starters, three components should be in place for a thriving long distance adult friendship: 1) you have to really like each other, 2) you need a shared understanding that adult life is busy, and 3) there must be a mutual desire to maintain the relationship.

If the aforementioned criteria are satisfied, then it's up to you and each individual friend to redefine the friendship on your own terms. For instance, given the schedule of certain friends, we end up speaking only every few months and exchanging texts once in a while. Conversely, there are friends I'll Skype with once or twice per week. I find the relationship doesn't suffer in either case as long as both parties involved are happy with the "arrangement".

Unfortunately, between my move from Montreal to New York City, and then from Manhattan to Miami, some of my friendships have withered. Meanwhile, those that survived have inevitably had to change in one way or another. But change I'm learning can be good, and the more I move and grow older -- the more I treasure my friends.

My boyfriend thinks keeping a long distance friendship going only gets harder when kids enter the picture. He's probably right; kids make virtually everything harder. It's also true that once you have children they become the focal point of your life and you end up gaining a whole new circle of friends comprised of their classmates' parents. Hmm...

No one can predict the future, but the past suggests my long distance friendships will continue to endure changes down the road. That in mind, change, like I said before can be a positive thing. And didn't someone once say if there's a will -- and you really like your friend(s) -- there's a way?

xoxo

Val

Is mindfulness meditation (there's an app for it!) what's missing from our lives?

Think of a calm, happy place...

How do we reduce the amount of stress, worry and problems in our lives while improving our focus and relationships? A regular mindfulness practice through meditation, that's how. Or at least that's what actual meditators are saying, and science appears to be on their side (more on that in a bit).

But first, what is mindfulness meditation? It's a form of meditation where you sit still and tune into the present moment (you can use breathing techniques, music or voice guidance to help you along). The goal is then to allow your thoughts to come and go as they please without judging them, or trying to change them. It's said that by learning to become comfortable with ourselves exactly as we are, we gain wisdom and alleviate unnecessary suffering, pain and discomfort. The practice is far too complex for me to convey in a short blog post, so I encourage you to read this article in Psychology Today for a deeper understanding.

There have been a host of studies on the effects of meditation on the brain, and though I won't bore you with all of the results, I would like to highlight some findings:

*Neuroscientists have found that the brain physically changes when you continue to mediate.
*Mindfulness meditation activates the 'rest and digest' portion of our nervous system which helps with stress management.
*In people with clinical levels of anxiety, research found that 90 percent saw a reduction in their symptoms through meditation.
*Neuroscientists discovered it only takes 11 hours of meditation for practitioners to witness structural changes in the part of the brain that monitors focus and self control.

Pretty powerful stuff, right?

So naturally I could no longer resist the temptation to give this touted about cure-all a second try. But I knew I would need to ease into it slowly, for I think what initially turned me off meditation was the fact I was aiming to sit still for a whopping 30 minutes. I also knew I would need some help, which is where Headspace comes in.

Headspace is an application that bills itself as a personal trainer for your mind. To start, you get a series of 10 free 10 minute guided mediation sessions with a man whose accented voice is guaranteed to make you swoon -- and relax. You're supposed to do them consecutively, and then you can either repeat the 10 sessions, or purchase lengthier and/or more targeted mediation packages.

I'm currently doing my 10 initial sessions for a second time in a row, and I've already noticed an improvement in my sleep. I've also found myself slightly better able at quelling anxious thoughts. Headspace has lifted any pretentiousness associated with meditation, and has made having a daily practice easily accessible (as long as you have your phone, you can meditate). I plan on sticking with it and seeing if it really is the "solution". In any case, a less anxious me is a good start.

Do you meditate? How do you go about your practice? I'm curious to learn more so please share your thoughts with me.

xoxo

Val

Eating in NYC Part I: what I'm loving right now

Sushi Yasuda takes its sushi VERY seriously and you can taste the difference. 

Long before my boyfriend and I physically arrived in New York City for our two-month sojourn, we were thinking about the most important thing: where were we going to eat? Not wanting to leave such an important matter to chance, I quikly busied myself researching new eateries. Meanwhile, the two of us poured over our extensive restaurant spreadsheet to devise a list of spots we wanted to return to. Yes, we recorded every place we ate at, no, we're not ashamed to admit it. In my opinion, the perfect epicurean schedule should be a blend of old favorites and new restos.

We've been here a month already (wow does time fly!), and so far we've strayed a bit from the original plan and have found ourselves returning to tried and true places more often than trying recently opened spots. What can I say, when something's good it's hard to resist going back for more.    Most of the restaurants we've revisited haven't disappointed, but some unfortunately have let us down. C'est la vie. So without further adieu, here are the eateries I'm loving right now:

If you like classic Italian cuisine with modern touches, then head to the West Village and try L'Artusi.

If you can't get to Japan to try sushi master Jiro Ono's Michelin starred creations, then Sushi Yasuda is the place to be.

If you enjoy feasting on gourmet American meets French food in an unpretentious, cozy atmosphere, then stop what you're doing and drop by Fedora.

If money isn't an issue and/or you're toasting to a special occasion, Tom Colicchio's Gramercy restaurant, Craft, proffers wagyu steak and foie gras that's a notch above the rest.

If you're in a duck state of mind, the prix fix menu at Decoy, the new West Village eatery from the folks at Red Farm is a definite DO.

If you don't mind being a little squished, the refined comfort food at Joseph Leonard is simply divine.

If you like whole Maine lobster, your wallet will thank you for heading over to Five Points on Monday nights for the $24 lobster menu.

If it's Sunday night and all you want is Chinese food, why not elevate your game by tasting Shun Lee Palace's expertly prepared classic items.

If you love smoked fish and Jewish staples like latkes, blintzes and knishes, well, the recently opened Russ & Daughters Cafe is everything you'd imagine it to be.

If French bistro food in a casual, warm environment is what you're after, then the steak frites at Cafe Cluny will do the trick.

The ex-factor: how much do we really need to know about our partner's romantic past?

Couples who nerd around together, stay together. 

In the early stages of dating, the ex conversation will inevitably come up. For some, it's a chance to get to know the other individual on a deeper level, while for others the experience is akin to ripping off a band-aid. In short, they want to know in as few words as possible if there are any restraining orders, divorces or deaths they have to be privy to. Spare the extra details please.

My boyfriend falls into the latter category, meaning my knowledge of his ex girlfriend can be summarized in one neat sentence. And I'm only talking about his most recent ex -- I literally have no intel on his love life prior to that point. Similarly, he never wanted to know anything beyond the bare essentials about my romantic history. 

Over the year and change we've been a couple (most of which has been spent living together) we've discussed our pasts plenty, but on this particular portion of our lives we've remained pretty mum. Certainly it's normal to cringe at the thought of your partner caring for and/or being intimate with someone else, however, is there something to be gained by knowing more than the minimal amount? Can it improve the health of a relationship? 

Honestly, I think there's no right answer. Besides, so much depends on the nature of ones previous relationships, as well as the current relationship dynamic. If it aren't broke, then why fix it, right? No, but seriously, I don't feel as though my lack of knowledge about my significant other's ex stands in the way of what we have created together, or that I don't know him well enough as a result. Perhaps it's one of those cases where a little ignorance is indeed blissful. 

Do you agree or disagree? What are your thoughts regarding how much information one should possess about their S.O.'s exes? How much do you like to share?  

xoxo

Val