Words of wisdom from a 27-year-old

Thinking of smart things to tell you

What a difference 365 days makes! Since my last birthday, I've managed to move from Manhattan to Miami, land a new job, make new friends and most importantly --- get married. Needless to say, this year has been one amazing roller coaster, and at 27 I feel I have a much better understanding of the woman I want to be and about the things that matter most. I think it's when we're faced with changes and challenges that we're able to really learn about ourselves. So without further adieu, here are some bits of wisdom I want to share with y'all:

1. Things have a funny way of working themselves out. When I think about the situations that have caused me the greatest amount of anxiety, I find myself amazed by how said situations have often resolved themselves. In fact, sometimes the end result wound up being even better than the best case scenario I had envisioned. This isn't to say we shouldn't be doing everything we can to effect our circumstances --- we should --- it's just I think at a certain point we have to let the "higher powers" play their role too. Adopting this mentality helps me eliminate the stress, fear and anxiety associated with outcomes I can't fully control, and there's so much to be said for that.

2. Cooking isn't as intimidating as it seems. My mom is an excellent chef and made dinner for our family six out of seven nights a week. Consequently, I feared cooking because it seemed too darn hard and I thought I'd never measure up. But when I moved to Miami it became clear I couldn't have healthy meals delivered to my door with a click of a button the same way I could in NYC, and so in order to eat well I knew I would have to brave the kitchen. Thankfully my mother-in-law arranged some cooking classes for me and my sister-in-law, and within a couple months I gained the confidence to make a meal solo.

My advice for new chefs is to get the best ingredients you can find/afford and start with simple recipes like broiled salmon filets with olive oil and seasoning, or roasted chicken. I also find it helps to combine what I've learned from my classes with recipes from my favorites (Martha Stewart, Ina Garten) and advice gathered from friends and family. You really only learn cooking by doing it and you adjust recipes to suit your tastes as you go. But coming from the girl who a year ago didn't know how to turn on her oven (true story) and can now make a complete meal --- if I can do it, then you certainly can.

3. Our words are so powerful. We may not realize this, but what we say to others and ourselves has a huge impact. With just one simple compliment we can elevate someone's day, yet one nasty remark can really bring a person down. Of course it's bad to lie or be fake, but there's always something positive we can say to people around us --- particularly the ones we care about. Girls especially are known to be nasty to each other and while it subsides after high school, it never completely ends. With all the pressure we put on ourselves as women, it's exremely crucial we support and encourage one another. I recently had a girlfriend compliment my writing, while another told me I had beautiful eyes. Conversely, I've had girls say negative things about my career choices, as well as my nose, ears, weight and hair. While they shouldn't, these remarks change how we perceive ourselves, so choose your words wisely.

Similarly, we can say the ugliest things to ourselves and the more we say them --- the more we internalize them and they become our reality.  I read somewhere that we shouldn't tell ourselves anything we wouldn't say to our young daughter. I couldn't agree more. And with that, I leave you with a quote I came across on Instagram today (don't mock): If the words you spoke appeared on your skin, would you still be beautiful? Amen.

4. Figure out what makes you happy and do more of it. Write it down. I literally did this. Yup, you've gotta carve out time for such activities but it will be worth it.

5. Sometimes you gotta leave your man alone. When my husband's feeling down, tired, stressed etc. my initial instinct is to swoop in and try to solve the problem via talking about it. Men, however, don't always (hardly ever) feel like talking it out. That said, when I'm told "I don't wanna talk about it" or "nothing's wrong" when I know something clearly is --- I get upset. This can sometimes lead to a fight, mostly because I feel frustrated for not being able to remedy the situation. I like to fix things --- and fast! Yet slowly I'm learning not only can I not solve everything, but that I don't have to. Sometimes, the best thing I can do for my fellow is to let him be and give him some time to feel better on his own terms. Easy, right?

XOXO

Val

Long distance adult friendships: do they work?

Do kids make adult friendships, particularly the long distance kind much harder to maintain?

Do you ever stop and think about your friendships? More specifically, do you contemplate how the nature of your friendships has changed since you finished univeristy? Or, if most of your friendships are long distance like mine are, do you mull over what makes them work? My friends are always on my mind, but they have been more so than ever since I moved to Miami nearly nine months ago.

Maintaining friendships, namely the good, solid kind is never easy. However, things are significantly less complicated when the majority of your friends live in the same city as you and everyone's in school. The playing field is even, so to say. But it's when college ends that everything changes. People get jobs, they move away, relationships become more serious, and friendships as you once knew them --  are never quite the same again.

The fact that I haven't seen some of my closest friends for several months, or that sometimes a month can go by without a phone chat -- is still a bizarre concept for me to wrap my head around. Yet somehow it works.

How? For starters, three components should be in place for a thriving long distance adult friendship: 1) you have to really like each other, 2) you need a shared understanding that adult life is busy, and 3) there must be a mutual desire to maintain the relationship.

If the aforementioned criteria are satisfied, then it's up to you and each individual friend to redefine the friendship on your own terms. For instance, given the schedule of certain friends, we end up speaking only every few months and exchanging texts once in a while. Conversely, there are friends I'll Skype with once or twice per week. I find the relationship doesn't suffer in either case as long as both parties involved are happy with the "arrangement".

Unfortunately, between my move from Montreal to New York City, and then from Manhattan to Miami, some of my friendships have withered. Meanwhile, those that survived have inevitably had to change in one way or another. But change I'm learning can be good, and the more I move and grow older -- the more I treasure my friends.

My boyfriend thinks keeping a long distance friendship going only gets harder when kids enter the picture. He's probably right; kids make virtually everything harder. It's also true that once you have children they become the focal point of your life and you end up gaining a whole new circle of friends comprised of their classmates' parents. Hmm...

No one can predict the future, but the past suggests my long distance friendships will continue to endure changes down the road. That in mind, change, like I said before can be a positive thing. And didn't someone once say if there's a will -- and you really like your friend(s) -- there's a way?

xoxo

Val

The case for leaning back: hey, it's OK too

Because girl power means supporting each other's choices. 

A huge part of being a writer is reading. A lot. That said, whenever I come across material that resonates with me and which I’d like to add to, I can’t help but share it on my blog. Today’s post draws upon an article by, of all people, actress Zosia Mamet (aka Shoshana on HBO's Girls).

In her Glamour magazine piece called “No, I Won’t Lean In, Thanks,” Mamet wonders whether our success obsessed culture is alienating women who don’t wish to “go for the f-king gold.” She poignantly writes, “you can’t just jog; you have to run a triathlon. Having a cup of coffee, reading the paper, and heading to work isn’t enough – that’s settling, that’s giving in, that’s letting them win.”

Mamet’s point is that women have to define success based on what makes them happy, minus the external pressures. The ultimate hope is that women will be supportive of each other’s choices rather than being judgmental of anyone they perceive to be so-called “settling.”

For instance, Mamet gives the example of how if she were to open a small coffee shop, it’s likely her female friends wouldn’t consider her a success if it didn’t go on to reach the scale of Magnolia Bakery. But what they might not realize is that she purposefully wants to keep it small so as to enjoy a quiet and simple life, and so she can be more hands on.

I remember at one point during journalism school I was interning at a prestigious fashion magazine and my dad told me that despite being at the bottom now, I would go on to be the next Anna Wintour. While I liked the encouragement, I felt a pang in my stomach as I wondered whether there was something wrong with me because I knew at 22 I absolutely didn’t want to be at the helm of a major publication.

Did I lack ambition? Did I not have sufficient confidence in my abilities? I weighed the possibilities, but the reality was I wanted the kind of journalism job where I would still have ample time for my family and myself. I wasn’t in a relationship at the time, but even then I knew that to be happy, my personal life would always have to come before my career.

That’s why when my boyfriend made a strong case for me to leave New York and move to Miami, I knew I had to at least give it a try. Soon after relocating, I found a great gig as a food writer for a popular local newspaper, but it ended when it turned out the company was unable to sponsor me for a work visa.

Right now, I’m unemployed as I wait to hear whether I’ll get a work visa as a technical writer at a company that sells chemicals. It’s by no means my dream job. Far from it. However, I took it because time was running out on my stay in the US, and because I’ve made the choice to put my personal relationship first. 

Though there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that it was the right decision given the circumstances, I was terribly anxious about what my friends would think when I told them about my on hold career plans. In a time of leaning in, I was leaning far back, and I feared how I’d be perceived.

Well, I now officially know I have the greatest friends in the world because they were nothing but supportive when I told them. I think on some level everyone understands that you can’t have it all, and more importantly: that happiness means different things to different people. To my dear friends: thank you, and to all the women out there: please support each other.

xoxo

Val