Online dating 101: my dos and don'ts

While discussing my online dating woes with a friend the other night, she suggested my newly acquired  knowledge deserved to be shared for the greater good of mankind (otherwise known as the twenty plus people who read this blog). A devotee of the “write about what you know” school of thought – I got down to business. Having dated online in New York City for a little over a year (OkCupid, JDate), I’ve culled together a good chunk of wisdom. Overall, I have nothing but praise for online dating, particularly when you’re busy and not the biggest fan of the bar pick-up-scene. While I doubt anyone would describe me as awkward or cold, I have been told I don’t give off an approachable vibe. Great. Approachability notwithstanding, I am pleased to report many of my dates went beyond the first date, and one even led to a brief relationship, but chances are you already know that so I’ll get on with the program. 

DON’T respond to anyone whose profile includes a topless photo. If you’re a guy, I’d stand clear of women in bikinis. With online dating, you have no choice but to judge a book at least somewhat by its cover, and such photos shout: “I’m vain”, and “I have a small brain capable of only thinking about one thing”. 

DO include a close-up as well as a full-length photo in your profile. Do I really need to remind you about the judgmental aspect of online dating? I never said it’s without fault. 

DO keep your messages short and sweet. I’ve had guys send me resume-type messages, making me question what it was about my profile that made them mistake me for a recruiter. Selling yourself makes you seem desperate; a joke along with a witty comment referencing the other person’s profile makes you look funny and smart – jackpot.

DON’T answer someone who has barely filled out his or her profile. It conveys laziness and a disinterest in anything other than a casual hook-up (unless that’s what you want, then by all means). Similarly, DON’T respond to a message that only contains “hey”, or “hey, what's up”. If they can’t take the time to read your profile and respond accordingly – they either failed high school, or just want to get in your pants. And on the topic of length, DO make sure your profile is complete without veering off into essay territory. I say keep your answers around 50 words. 

In regards to your profile's content, DO focus on what makes you unique and on being yourself and you can't fail. DO ensure your profile reflects your characteristics and values, especially those you want your significant other to share. Hence if you like sarcasm and eating out, and can’t imagine being with someone who doesn’t – highlight those things. A major perk of online dating is it allows – even encourages you to be upfront about what you want – much trickier to do in a bar setting. 

Ladies, DO make the first move. I’ve asked around, and while some guys don’t like it when girls send the initial message – most consider it a compliment and love it. And sometimes, if you want something done right – you gotta do it yourself. It’s simply absurd to wait around and assume the man of your dreams will find you if it’s meant to be. I mean who even has that kind of time?

DON’T lie. This means no photos of you from five years ago, I don't care how much hotter you were back then. 

DON’T play waiting games. In 2013, it’s safe to assume most people get emails or alerts whenever they get a message. Therefore, if you want to respond right away – go for it. Often we are actually too busy, or we can’t conjure up a witty response in the moment, but I think (at least I hope) we’re past the point of deeming someone a “loser” because they answered too soon. The image of someone waiting around by their computer is so 2007.

DO meet in person sooner rather than later. My rule is after three or four messages each way, if there’s a connection – stop typing and wait to hear the rest in person. Chemistry requires physical interaction, and cleverness will only get you so far if I think you smell or if I’d rather kiss my great-aunt.

DON'T respond to initial messages that only compliment your looks, or that ask you to meet up or chat on the phone. If you're writing to me, it's assumed you find me at least remotely attractive – it's just part and parcel of online dating. However, when you write me I'm hot and say little else – I get suspicious looks are the only reason you're getting in touch. And then we go back to the whole casual hookup thing. Similarly, if you want to chat on the phone or meet for a drink before you've even exchanged one message with me, I get even more suspicious about your intentions and I also assume you're a cocky asshole. 

DO confirm the date is happening the day before. While it's okay to iron out the details the day of, I think it's good manners to check in and make sure the date is actually happening as planned one day in advance. Like I said, we're all busy people. 

DON'T schedule a first date on the weekend. I break this rule frequently due to my busy student/work life, but a weeknight date is ideal for two reasons: 1) If the date is going badly you can count on the "I have to be at work early the next day" excuse, 2) If someone bails last minute, you're not left without plans on a precious Friday or Saturday night. Instead, you can get into your sweats and watch Scandal (I'm obsessed). 

DO have an open-mind. One of the best things online dating has going for it is it enables you to cast a wider net. If you're enjoying a conversation with someone but they don't meet all the criteria of the type of person you were hoping to meet, give it a try nonetheless. My theory is one night on the town with an interesting guy or gal won't kill you. Of course there is a chance they could turn out to be totally different in person (it has happened to me, albeit rarely), but bad dates make the best stories. And also, life's not fair – deal with it. 

xoxox

Val