Fighting the good fight: or how I'm trying to get it right

"Don't get mad -- get everything" - Ivanna Trump, The First Wives Club 

Countless articles and books have been published on the subject of how to fight "well," i.e., productively in a relationship. I've read all of them. Ok fine, I've read A LOT of them, and yet I still fight like a little girl. If it was socially acceptable, I'd stomp my feet, shake my fists and scream: "me," "me," "me" while turning a deep shade of crimson.

Rarely do I even bother trying to look at the situation from my boyfriend's perspective. No, I get so blindsided by my emotions (anger, fear, sadness, jealousy etc), that my ability to think rationally vanishes. I try to express my feelings to my SO, yet I'm unable to string together coherent thoughts because naturally, I'm sobbing profusely. My one and only goal becomes to convey my current emotional state; I might as well be shouting: me," "me," "me".

When one fights this way, the other person reacts not with sincere apologies and affectionate embraces (the preferred, yet unrealistic response) but rather with a line of defence. That's because it's in many peoples' natures to respond to such an attack with a similar tone of aggression, and to argue their point. Of course, such a reaction infuriates me further and causes me to go on the defensive. And so the circle of fighting continues until both parties are too exhausted to carry on arguing.

At the end, the issue isn't resolved, everyone's upset, and I feel disgusted, embarrased and sad about how I handled the situation. Suddenly, the fight's aftermath is exceedingly worse than the very thing that was being fought over. Wonderful.

I don't start fights often, it's just not my thing, but fighting is an inevitable part of any healthy relationship. That said, I knew I needed to change my approach, and so rather than buy a book or read an article, I turned to my parents for advice. They're incredibly wise and have been happily married for nearly forty years, so I assumed they'd have some thoughts on the topic.

Almost immediately, good ol' dad said my main problem was making a trajedy out of every disappointment, disagreement and issue that bothered me. It wasn't until he said it that it occurred to me I was indeed blowing everything WAY out of proportion. Somehow,  I was convincing myself that a matter that could easily be resolved with good communication and effort was actually going to lead to the end of my relationship -- and to the end of the world. Clearly, I can be quite dramatic.

The thing I've learned is most relationship problems can be solved provided both players are willing to do the leg work. However, the same cannot be said if one person (hello) is trying to express themselves via freaking out and lashing out at the other without giving any thought to the big picture or their SO's point of view. No one likes to feel attacked, and individuals respond way better to calm people rather than hysterical ones (pleased to meet you).

After my epiphany of sorts, I've resolved to think things through and stay calm before and during a fight. I'm trying to reserve going into tragedy mode for actual tragedies (read: sickness, death, danger etc.). I will not, as ABBA so aptly put it,  "go wasting my emotion(s)," on that which is in my power to solve. Now can I get an amen?